Can't Sleep!

So... it's 1:30am and I cannot sleep. I just keep tossing an turning and thinking about the billions of ways that I can advance my career. more auditions. website. new headshots, reels, being a more charming and genuine networker, get an agent- why is that sooo difficult?... And then like all actors, I imagine all the possible ways I could get discovered- most of them miraculous and highly impractical,  but hey, points for imagination.

I am frustrated. But I'm told that's a given in this field and I should get used to revisiting this emotion often.

Since I last wrote (Obviously not very thorough with the blog) I have done countless extra/audience work and I have a consistent dinner theatre gig and some minor tv stuff. I don't know what I expected.  But it was to be further than this. Maybe that I would walk into an audition room and everyone would be overcome by my charm and talent, cast me and shove all the waiting actors down the stairs.. Needless to say, I don't think that has happened yet... or maybe that I would have something to write home about or maybe I haven't found my niche. Or maybe I'm just part of the mass of skinny cute brunettes who all do the same tricks. Who can say?

 The truth is that there is no one answer. But I do love how everyone tries to supply an answer to make me feel better (That was sarcasm).

I don't know if you have ever loved or wanted something soo desperately that it immobilizes you. There are so many things I am skilled in that I could take bigger risks in and experiment with, mainly because they aren't remotely important or passion-infused for me so I feel the freedom to be bold. Because acting is so precious, I get to this point where it is just too painful. I have to take a break. Last month, I spent 26 days in Hong Kong teaching children English, playing with orphans and painting buildings. I wanted to get out of my own selfishness. And yet, I come back even more frustrated and  hungry to do SOMETHING.

I know, I need to count the small wins. I need to say "screw you!!!" in my mind to everyone who doesn't cast me and move on. I need to hustle more. ....

But then I think this mindset is addictive and destructive. Where does it end? For example, I do get a big break in a tv series. Let's just pretend for the argument that it is successful. But then, what about my film career? And so I get into the movies and also do well. But I want 2 Oscars instead of one and ect and ect. I will eat myself alive!!!

I have a best friend in Austin also trying to make it as an actress and I tell her every day to move to La and she pitches me all the reasons Austin is a good start. She said the most profound and simple thing to me "You have to do it for the love and nothing else and trust that you have something special to give, something they NEED to see." And I like that. Why? Because it makes me feel like positive things could happen, which I probably desperately need at this point.
Is any of this coherent.... i think I'll rename the blog "Venting actress" but then no one would read it.

I don't know if you feel better, but I do and that is important. If you feel better yay!!!!! If not, why did you even read this far?

To be cont..........