Distractions

Sometimes, you just don't feel like writing... particularly if you are a writer type. Why? Because you know that what you have to say wont sound brilliant or interesting, so why write anything mediocre? Why be anything less than genius... or you get "busy" but its probably mostly because you're afraid of what you'll find when you sit down to write. You might find yourself being to honest and are afraid of what you might really think as opposed to what you tell yourself all the time. I have to constantly remind myself that a slow two weeks is not the end of my career. Dramatic, I know. You should try to spend a day as me. I drive myself crazy and push myself so hard.... I exhaust myself and its most likely unnecessarily, too bad I can't just turn off my emotions... haha.

Anyways... whats new? I am working out a contract with an agency and they are pulling strings to get me sag eligible, so that I can work on real stuff... finally!!! and I'm getting some updated pictures. More specific pictures for my casting instead of the generic "theatrical" and "commercial" shots I have now... We'll see. I am speaking with a lot of photographers and I noticed that besides their quality of work and pricing, a huge factor in my decision will be their people skills. I ask myself, "Do I like this person?" And the ones that I have had more friendly conversations with have won over the more professional. At the end of the day, the cost will be my deciding factor. However, I imagine myself as a casting director... when money is no issue and you just want to pick the best one and I'm sure they want (yes, talented... duh) but when everyone is at a certain level of talent and has all the red tape/ experience out of the way, I bet they choose the people that they like.. just as I would in picking a photographer. I am a very very professional person. I take what I do very seriously, but maybe I should invest time in being kinder? I dont know.. I'll do an experiment and keep you posted on the results....

Oh, and I recently got a boyfriend... This is my very first. I know, I'm 24... shouldnt I have gone through a few by now. But, I am very career oriented you see. I have always dated a lot of people. Mostly several people at once and things would fizzle out before it got serous for one reason or another. Anyway, I bring this up to say that this new development might be a conflict for my career. They will both be competing for my time and I will have to discipline myself to stay focused... It's a distraction in my mind from what I really want to do. Do I have a soul? Is that a kosher thing to say? If it came between him and a big acting break... I'd choose the latter.... but who knows?? Maybe opposed to all popular belief I will be the first person ever to have their cake and eat it too...I don't know how other artists manage their relationships... Maybe because I'm such a loyal and devoted person, I'm afraid to commit to even the title of "girlfriend" because I know I will get attached and adore him and find ways to weasel in time with him, which means less time running lines/ submitting/ making phone calls.... I haven't decided fully how I feel about it, if you haven't noticed, because after all, he is wonderful. ugh!!! Life! but I am grateful. There are worse problems to have.

A good time

Tonight was the most fun I've had at dinner detective in months. We rotate cast members, so tonight we ended up with a stellar cast. All fun loving people who just joke with each other the whole time. We were basically laughing the whole way through. Inside jokes, new jokes, playful banter. I am the "innocent" one of the group, so they like to give me a hard time. Sheesh. My reactions!!! It was simply a night where I so enjoyed working with other great professionals. It was a solid show and I am reminded how grateful I am, how talented I am and how much I love my life. That may sound a little pompus as you read it, but I dont care! I am relishing in my happiness, since it has not always been this good and probably wont be forever. After all, that's simply how life is. Just wanted to let you know that every once in a while, this career can be roses, that's all.

A day in the life

Woke up super early to beat LA traffic and drive to a meeting with a nameless agency. To be honest, I didn't hear the most positive things of said agency from my friends. However, I am one of those people that just has to know for myself, so I went to have the conversation. I am at a point in my career where I'm so frustrated that I think. A bad agency is better than no agency at all. I can always fire them if they are terrible anyway.  I will have a follow up meeting and we will see if that even pans out.

The agent said I was "cute", not drop dead gorgeous, but cute, I can play young and even do some characters like nerd, seductress, ect. But he will probably be sending me out for all the girl next door roles. And that's fine by me!!! If I can make a living at it, I will beat the girl next door horse until it is not only dead, but buried six feet under. I am trying to not be too proud and open my mind to opportunities presented to me.

Also, went to my improv practice group and it was REALLY rough today. I just felt like I got beat up.. We pushed through, but I was confused the whole time. The why. The why. The why. That is where the game lies, not the what.... the what is simply a pattern and is interchangeable. Find the why ASAP and make it overly emphasized. Always error on over-explaining I think is best at this point. Anyway, it was a learning experience. I really tried to follow. Some of my team mates are in a class above me and I think today was the first day it showed. We did more advanced things and I was stumbling to try and catch on. It stretched me though... in a good way. Not as fun as some other groups, but fun none the less.

Then I worked a shift at the restaurant to make that monies. It's easy and flexible, so I am digging it right now. I left the house at 8am and didn't get back until 1030 pm. Changing in my car and grabbing food on the go. Oh, got to catch up with a girlfriend from college on the phone while I was sitting in traffic. All in a day of the life of Me!

Go to the Audition, Even if you're late!!!

So, there I am, on the road driving to an audition. keep in mind that I left in PLENTY of time for there to be a zombie apocalypse on the way there and still arrive in time. However, it is LA and apparently, the traffic decided to extra- suck today. I'm never late to anything and especially and audition, so I FREAKED out. I'm sitting in traffic, the time is approaching, I was too dumb to write down a phone number to communicate and then the stooooopid TomTom confuses me, so I take a wrong turn and when I finally get there, I am in the wrong parking area... I got frazzled, then mad, then I got to that point where I was just over it and didn't care anymore. I'm about to turn around and go home. I'm done. I walked in thirty minutes late and I just thought, "well. If they want to see me, cool. If not, I know I did everything in my power to make it." Turns out, they didn't really even notice I was late because of all the other girls reading. PHEW! See? I was freaking out for no reason. I did profusely apologize anyway. I'm not sure if that helped or hurt, but I'm sure I'll find out.

When I got into the room, I commented on the director's movember mustache and after that we just talked like we were friends. He let me read to him and play off him, which was fun. I read the first time and the second time he told me just to do something "different." I asked  him if he wanted to see something specific, but he chose to stay with different, so I did very different... though I personally think my first read probably made more sense with the script, but whatever. Then we talked about San Diego for five minutes since we're both from there and discussed scheduling, which I suppose is a good thing? Anyway, it was nice, but in a non-polite genuine sort of way... all these casting directors and directors can be so fake polite, it just pisses me off. I felt good about the read and I had prepared for it going over the script for a while, which helped. We will see, but mostly the moral of this little story is to show up, even if you're super late. Don't they say "showing up" is like 80% of the work? Or something like that...?

That moment you decide everything has got to change

So, went to my improv practice group yesterday and we practiced grounding everything. We did some very serious material and then added an element that was ridiculous. The element was present, but not the focus of the scene. For example, my partner and I were at the funeral of our best friend. I start to cry imagining the coffin. In my head, I think it's completely inappropriate to cry in an improv class, but it was an honest reaction... we continue the scene and part of the way through, my partner has these crazy loud farts (given by the back line) and we couldn't talk about them except to react to the smell in our body languages. I went from crying to almost breaking because it was so funny! I was dying. Anyway, we all have really great chemistry together and maybe we can start performing together eventually? We'll see.

After a coffee date with my friend, I went to audit Ryan R. Williams class. He is working in hollywood, is writing a book now, I think.. anyway, he is very intense typical LA man, but the good kind. He is passionate about what he does, but doesn't tolerate laziness or stupidity. I find that's how a lot of the people in Hollywood are now because no one has time to waste. I had a headache and I was trying so hard to focus and he gave a 2 hour class on scene work and preparation before we ever meet with a partner. We have to put in the work.. and it wasn't anything revolutionary, nothing I hadn't heard before, but I got convicted. For all these auditions as of late, I've just been memorizing, finding beats and "cementing" my work as he would call it. I have overlooked the value of reading the whole script and a good analysis, analyzing beats and marks and putting the time in to make a scene good. He had the auditors in groups to put up a scene and I was fortunately paired with this other girl from groundlings. She listened well, so we were able to put up a fun, simple scene with a beginning, middle, end and the class was laughing, they were on board. He said thank you for presenting something that was very "castable" and "safe." He said with preparation and work, we could do some deeper, richer work. He also mentioned I needed technical work with eye lines, which could be remedied quickly. and that's true. If anything, I need technical work to combine my acting into something that can be filmed and sold. Anyway, he gave his speech and it touched me. I am a professional from now on. I don't do half-way work and I'm not going to memorize lines for an audition the day before. I am going to respect myself and respect the script. I will be the best. Not number 2 or 3, but number 1. I am so over this wishy-washy. It;s time to be a better actress. It's time to book!

Little Revelations

Lots happening! Hence, the breaks in writing to fill you in. I meet with the agency I talked about previously in a week and a half and I'm excited to see where it goes. Also a friend of a friend s giving me a tour of the warner bros. studio. I doubt anything will come of it, but hey... no judgement if I just happen to bring a headshot and resume. You've got to be hustling these days. I'll let you know what happens behind the studio walls.

I joined an improv practice group with a bunch of us from ucb. It is soooo fun! I love it! We just get to run scenes and practice what we want. It's actually enjoyable. This last one I learned a lot! Like, just naming the game asap... even if youre not sure. The sooner the game is out there, the sooner you can cut to the chase and play. I was always so gun-shy to name a game before I could figure out what it was... now, I can just name whatever sounds remotely like a game... it's kind of irrelevant as long as we now have a clear, defined and vocalized game. Also, I am focusing on trying to heighten emotionally instead of intellectually. It works the same way, just easier. And I'm learning the art of establishing  a game, giving it a small break and coming back and beating it for a final laugh. Its an easy laugh to get, so I might as well learn how to do it.

Did a mock audition for a program I'm participating in. It's so funny because I forget how subtle the camera is and how much it can really catch. I still have to tone it down from my theatre habits of reaching the back row of an audience. The notes I got were to get rid of the unfocused movement, then he did a character direction. As always, it's a more focused an better read when you are playing on a partner. The first take my eyes were all over the place. It was embarrasing to watch. The second take was real and simple, yet more effective. I really am enough. Me as simple me has something to offer and I dont have to cover it with all this "character." I need to remember that in an audition. I have a tendency to be big. I am very big in normal real life, but I am subtle as well. I'm getting in touch with my subtle side haha. I have another mock audition this week, excited to apply my improvements!

By the time I got to my dinner theatre show, I had worked the past two day and slept little. I was so exhausted, so I kind of went through the motions and phoned it in... but hey, sometimes its faking it until you make it.

Sometimes Miracles Happen

So..... I was contacted through my e mail, which I think was accessed through LA casting and an agency wants to bring me in for possible representation in film/tv and commercials!!!! They contacted me!!! What? Isn't that backwards...and don't worry dear reader, I looked them up on IMDB and I just have to say I am quite excited! An agent is an agent and it's better than where I'm at now. I am sooo ready to get in that audition space and book, book, book!!!!! I mean, there is a possibility that they might not go with me, but hey. It's a start and if nothing else it reminds me of the miscellaneous and miraculous things that can happen in this city when you least expect them to. I think I screamed out loud... a lot! And I said "wow" a lot....

Also, I haven't heard back from my callback or other auditions this week, which I think means a pretty solid no. I am still figuring these things out. But I don't even care!!!! I mean, I probably should, but I'm so grateful to be auditioning, it works out! That probbaly sounds sickeningly positive, but thats me...

Oh and the dinner theatre show this week went fantastically. I was the killer and you best believe I worked that room!!! I'm exhausted, but in the best way possible!!! Ah!!! The esssence of life is all around me.. or that's how it feels. FINALLY! This is such a tedious career haha, but I love it!

Callback for Short film

So, I went to the call back for a short film. It was a  thesis project, so the directors took it very seriously, which is nice. There were probably about ten of us called back for two roles and they made sure that everyone read with everyone to assure they would get the combination that they wanted. To be honest, it was one of the funnest callbacks I've been to mainly because all of us girls got along really well and chatted it up in the lobby. Like seriously, we made friends and told life stories.... since we were there for three hours haha. I had sushi on my lunch break and that was probably one of the highlights for sure. anyway, I read a lot, had a blast, made new choices and just played with everyone. It was fun. We will see if I get cast or not... A good experience for sure. I actually do love auditioning!

LA film school audition

So... Had an audition today at the LA film school. It was my first time going there. I mean you always hear it tossed around a lot, but this thing is huge! The nice parking man let me park in the structure for free. Parking is always a THING for auditions. That's why you have to get there early because the worst is hastily parking... running in out of breath, trying to find the room and sweating as you slate haha. It wasn't like that today. I auditioned for a short film role. I totally misinterpreted the script... because I played it a lot more sarcastic and harsh.... then I was directed that she is a people pleaser and kind, sweet. Well, that changed the whole read. "Very good" they said and told me emails would go out tomorrow for callbacks.

They seemed genuine instead of polite, which is a good sign, but you never know... I wonder if two reads for an audition is a good sign.. as opposed to three or one. Enough of the mind games, I'll drive myself crazy!! Anyway, the director is also the writer, which is the hardest thing to audition for because the script is their baby and they are looking for perfection to fit the original vision. I've only worked with one director who was also the writer and it wasn't a great experience, but people are different and I always choose to stay open minded and positive. Excited to see whats next. I have a callback tomorrow for another short film. I'll let you know how that goes :)

The ball finally feels like it is Rolling!!!!

Hello friends! Sorry, I haven't written in a while and I know its a lame excuse, but I just needed a break. I felt like I was saying the same things over an over again and I got tired of writing it, so I needed to step back. That's the cool thing about acting. You can take breaks when you need to. Anyway, I did a dinner theatre show that was halloween themed and terrible because I was tired and the audience was overly obnoxious. I'm sure everyone had a great time. I was simply itching to sleep in my bed.

That's the other thing, I am so tired, but it's a very good tired. I went in for an audition for a short film a few days ago and it was so refreshing. The ladies were nice and interacted with me and allowed me to play off them in the read, which was fun. The audition was a CAZT, which I really like actually. It's a great audition space. Anyway, I came in memorized of course, did the read, they gave me a direction, I adjusted and that was that. It was fun!!! I LOVE auditioning... like a weirdo haha. Anyway, yesterday I got the email that I am called back. I have to memorize a new script, but I'm excited to go in and do well. It just reminded me how ready I am to act, to work, how capable I am of this. It was so natural for me. And it was a huge encouragement after two years of feeling so lame and untalented, you know? I always knew that wasn't true, but you do start to doubt when things aren't going according to plan. and I STILL don't have an agent. However, I feel it's only a matter of time!!!! YAY!

And then I got three other auditions this next week. So it will be busy, and lots of memorizing, but all good. I am just so grateful and glowing and happy. I am beginning to see the hope of the future and it so resonates in my soul that only divine intervention could stop me now!

Oh, and I met with a friend who's been here a while and he has hit a huge success point, which is so encouraging! I was incredibly happy for him. And I met a fellow actress who moved from Austin, who was a friend of a friend and now I have a new friend :) All these beautiful things are happening in my life. Ah! God is good... actually He was good all along, even though in my humanity I couldn't see it.

We will See

I finished the final class of Killian's Workshop Foundation Class on Thursday. I know I'm not suppossed to talk about it, but I will say this: BEST MONEY I"VE SPENT on a class in Hollywood. It was a great finale. I am also excited to continue working with him in other programs that he offers. Thank God for Killian! He helps you focus and really pursue your dreams. He gave quite an inspiring speech... one of those speeches that basically will play in my mind over an over again. I thought to myself: THIS is the beginning of a beautiful adventure in my career and I can't wait to continue. Just keep going, keep trying. I think that is the key.

Did my dinner theatre Saturday night, I got to be the killer muahahahahaa!!! I actually made some great friends at my table. It is always rewarding to hear people say they had such a great time and they laughed a lot. Listen. Life is hard! If I can help people actually enjoy life, I think that is a very noble cause. Making people laugh and be happy is far more important than I ever realized before. I think that's becoming more apparent as I grow older. It's so important to be happy and grateful. Whenever I am throwing a mini tantrum or pity party, I like to think of people who cant walk or see or who have major medical hindrances and I think, "life is good." The best part is it actually works. We weren't meant to live life as loners, so when I can help or encourage people I like to do so, because it somehow encourages me...

Today, I sent out my application for an internship at Fox Television. It is just an opportunity to learn and see if I have other passions and skills that I can develop. As you have noticed, I do so love to write and if I can do that in some capacity to make a living, I think I'd be a happy camper. But I'll never know until I try. I've already graduated and they only accept students, but there's no harm in trying. We will see.... as always in this city, "we will see...."

Mingling

I went to the UCB Diversity interview at the scheduled time, headshot in hand. I have always been really good at interviews. I come off very confident and I'm really fantastic at coming up with things fast in the moment even if I'm faking it, which they usually can't tell anyway. The guys were all very nice and I feel I did the best I could. They just have to decide if I am "diverse" enough for them or not.We'll see, I'll keep you posted. I personally was stoked to even make it to the interviews, so that was cool for me.

I'm working on this vision board in this study I am in, figuring out what my main focus for this next year will be and really building a vision and a dream, it's fun! I'm really into those kind of things. One of my friends came up with the system and she is writing a book... thank God! ...because it's a brilliant system, unlike anything I've seen before.

Last night I went to Tim Storey's study and it was incredible! He is such an inspiration! And you can see that he is genuine in his love for people. He knows how to communicate with industry people because he has been around them for so long. He has stood by a lot of Hollywood people so his stories are intriguing. He spoke about keeping your head up and moving on, about having faith and that perspective will help you book, even though you can't see it now and it doesn't make sense. He encourages me to be a generous person. I want to be more generous if I can. E. G. Daily was there (voice of Tommy Pickles, the Voice) and she sang a very beautiful song. It was encouraging to hear her story and how she got into singing. Afterwards, we got to talk with a lot of industry people who are doing so many different things. It really widens one's perspective on the various types of work there are in the city! I went with a friend, so that was fun, as life usually is better with friends haha.

A good night!

Tonight was perfect! Tonight, I loved my life... If all my life could look like tonight, I could never ask for anything more! Well, maybe not the same night, but different variations of the same night... oh, never mind haha. Anyway, I think part of it has to do with the fact that I curled my hair and I looked great and when you are confident about how you look, it shows in the way you walk, talk, ect. I'm pretty sure they've done studies on that, like it's a real thing. So, I've decided to make a genuine effort to look my best all the time. I know this will require additional effort, but I'm going to try it and see if it works, see if there are any improvements to my acting career or otherwise. I'll keep you posted. Anyway, I went to Killian's class. I'm obsessed, I love it! And the people there are great; we're building a real camaraderie, which is fun. I'm always sad to see good things come to an end, but welcome to the rest of life. We have our final class next week.

Then, the usual UCB show. Woo hoo! We saw convoy/last day of school. They're all good. Always. So you can just sit back and laugh. Oh, I was selected as one of the interviewees for the diversity scholarship at UCB (which I wouldn't have known about it except my whole friend group applied. I'm lucky I have smart friends or I'd never get anywhere!!). I may or may not get it, but I'm grateful to get this far. They actually liked my four paged single spaced narrative. Which reminds me of the script I'm writing. I write all kinds of other stuff...it's about time. I enjoy writing, I think it's fun, so it's a great hobby even if it never leads anywhere. You won't know ANYTHING about the screenplay until you see it in the movie theatres years from now. I know you're a skeptic, but we'll make a believer out of you yet! Also, working on landing an internship with fox news, I contacted a friend in new york who works for fox news out there to get whatever inside scoop there is to get. I have cool friends.

I don't know, I suppose I imagine all of us walking out of a comedy show with a bunch of other attractive, driven, artistic young people, laughter at the chic bars nearby and the hipsters with cigarettes and it just feels right, like what I imagined all raveled up in a moment. LA life. This is what I want. Now, just to move to the city and be here all the time. UGH. Paying those student loans!!! I want to be debt free by the time I'm 30 and even though that feels like it is consuming my life at the moment, I think I'll be grateful I made this financial decision. It's hard when you want to splurge on acting classes though.... and go shopping, ugh, the weights of being a girl hehe. Follow your dream!!!! It totally sucks at the beginning, but if you wait it out two years, there is finally some sort of payoff. and you probably are more resourceful and wont have to wait as long for a break. I'm not very good at functioning without a specific structure. I'm learning, but still an amateur. And life just takes time to build. As much as we don't like that in this culture, it's the reality, so love the journey... I remind myself that as often as possible, but often my emotions get the best of me. However, I decided that's okay. I'm being nicer to myself and myself likes me for it. You know what I mean! Cheers! (As a random man said that to me once... and he wasn't even British)

Almost at the emmys

So... this story has absolutely nothing to do with acting, but it was too crazy not to share...
So, there I was a normal person walking down the street. WRONG. not Sept 22... because this day, I was casually walking down the street, casually dressed, minding my own business, when out of the BLUE comes this guy with greasy long hair who wreaks of alcohol in a tux. He just opens his arms to me and asks me for a hug. I very politely decline. And then he say he has an extra ticket to the Emmy's and would I like to go? His very nice normal cab driver said that he did indeed have an extra ticket if I wanted to come. First of all, I"m not dressed for the Emmys although I did look cute... hey, I have to be superficial once in a while... and I did contemplate it for a split second.. but then everything from my childhood screamed "dont get into a strange limo with a gross drunk man!!!" And then I played the evening out in my mind and I would probably have to beat the old man off with a champagne bottle... or it was a huge scam and I could have gotten sex trafficked.... that's a thing! So, after this split second of inner dialogue, I told them I had plans but thank you. and the gross drunk man hugged me anyway... oh dear. I smiled and walked away as quickly as possible. I'll see the Emmys some other time.... maybe with Paul Rudd... oh wait, did I write that out loud..oooops ;)

Perspective Matters!

So, apparently, I'm not supposed to post anything about Killian's workshop, so all I will say is that I LOVE it! I like the work we do and the people I do it with. And the other thing is that Hollywood is getting smaller and smaller. It is happening more often that someone I see did a webseries with this other friend or yeah, we both know someone else and that's fun. I like how the world gets smaller the longer you live.

Then I went to see Last Day of School and Convoy at UCB. It's always fun to re-connect with my ucb friends.It still amazes me at how clever and fast the teams are, well, I suppose after 12 years that's to be expected haha.  I'm forming a little community and that's helpful. Somehow it makes me feel as if I'm getting somewhere.

Did dinner theatre again as well. I feel like a regular now and that's exciting.

Most importantly, I met with my friends from San Diego. The friends I've had for eight years and counting, the ones that have been through it all with me, gosh how I miss them. Anyway, I was venting about my impatience about my career and where I wanted to be compared to where I was. A lot of them are in the same place. All our college friends have fancy titles on linked- in and facebook and what not to hide the fact that we are ALL still trying to figure it out. That's true. Because I suppose it sounds cool when I say, "yeah, I'm an actress living in LA doing dinner theatre and improv and on camera classes, hanging out at the chic bars and meeting all kinds of interesting people." When I look at it that way, I suppose it doesn't sound so bad... On the beach to my friends I said, "but, you know... it's all gonna work out" very sarcastically and bitterly, they laughed. But, I thought, "what if I said that to myself, but I really did believe it?" So I tried. "It's all gonna be okay," I said reassuringly to myself as I would have said it to someone else reaching for affirmation.And then, the funniest thing happened, I believed me. Funny. Anyway, life is what it is and things will come. I may not feel 100 percent grateful all the time, but I can go through the motions of being aware of my blessings and I honestly think that helps... a lot. That's exactly what I needed; an attitude adjustment.

Killian's On Camera Class 1

I ma taking the foundation class of Killian's workshops for Commercial Auditioning for the Camera. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this class! I love how functional it is and how business oriented it is. And the other thing I learned about myself is that this is totally something I could do. There is a spot for everyone in commercials! I am very good at memorizing things quickly, so I think that gives me an advantage. Finally!!!!
I feel comeptent at something! Like it comes so natural. I've been doing improv for so long, I forgot how much I loved to take a script and make t my own.

He had us read this commercial and we did a first take. Then he gave us some major pointers, which on a selfish level I decided not to include in the blog... I mean, I know no one really reads it, but what if some other actor found it and discovered all my fun secrets that I paid good money for.... There's already too much competition, sorry guys... Anyway, we did a second take and it was like night and day.

My favorite part is that at the end of the class, they try to help us get a commercial agent if we don't already have one. That is like gold to me, I am hoping and praying it all works out, but you never know. Rule number one in this city is not to count your chickens before they hatch. I've been contacting agents for months though, it would help to get some kind of a referral. Sheesh, why don't I know more powerful people???

Killian is so funny to me, he is all about communication, listening and structure. I think it is because he can't stand incompetent dumb people. However, he comes off kind of intense. So we have Jared teaching the foundation class and thank God because Killian comes off a little scary at first. He is a good businessman though in that he knows himself and how he is perceived, so he has someone else handle the beginners. I respect that about people, really knowing themselves. anyway, he comes off very "L.A., all business" for lack of a better term. It is a great experience however. I need some business tips and it takes place in an actual working studio space. In fact, there was a callback that night happening in the room next door while our class was going on. Fun!

I went to San Diego to visit my family and friends. It's so strange because on the one hand, it's nice to be out of LA, to reflect on what is really going on in your life and how you feel about everything and what you are going to do next. But, on the other hand, I couldn't help but itch to get back to the city and the networking and my friends there. I think the city can have that effect sometimes. I'm not sure if you ever quite feel established and if you ever stop feeling guilty for leaving when you're missing so much. It's complicated when so much happens in such a short span of time and all the time. But, I think it's better to feel at home in two places than to be constantly going somewhere else because you dislike where you are, so I am grateful.

I'm also forcing myself to enjoy the moment more. This is the beginning, you won't be at the beginning forever, embrace the unknown because that is the key to this whole adventure anyway.

A celebrity encounter and then some

I was really disappointed today. I saw the movie Trance and I was so excited to check it out and it turned out to be very strange, I mean I get the twist they were trying to throw in, but I thought the script was lacking, that the story needed more connection and the weird sex was more like a tangent than a focus... a lot of the original relationship between Simon and the therapist was lacking, which made the rest of the movie somewhat empty. It is so sad mostly because I usually ADORE James MacAvoy.. but I suppose even the best have their off films...Also saw Now you See me. that was cute, fun, what I expected and had a fun twist at the end, but not mindblowing by any means. what a fun girl role though!!! I want to die my hair red and swim in a tank of pirannas haha.

I was hanging with some friends last night and we saw Steve Carell. One of the girls chased him down to say hello because she's from the town that the Office is based on... I was a little embarassed. I decided long ago that if I ran into a well established actor, I wouldn't introduce myself as a fan. I prefer to meet them for the first time as a colleague, you know? It's so funny how people seem like such a big deal and yet, how similar their life can be in a moment. He was just picking up some pizza.

The dinner theatre show Saturday night went so well. I got to play the killer and man, I was WORKING that room. It felt like my own little mini private dinner party on a boat. I made funny connections with a lot of the guests and laughed a lot. Lots of sly glances and knowing comments. I even made some friends with the audience memebers. I met people who ALSO actually enjoy seeing  movies by themselves. We decided to start a club of solo movie-goers. We all go see the same movie, but sit far away from each other.. brilliant right??? okay... nevermind! I don't expect you to understand.

The World's End

Went to see this movie at the hollywood Arclight with a couple friends. I hadn't seen any previews... and I LOVED it. The banter in the script is so smart. The thing I love best about British humor is the high stakes. I would love to do more of this style of work hehe.

The End of 201

It's funny because just as the class is coming to a conclusion, I actually feel like I am beginning to get things. We ran the show in this last class and I feel like I understand the basics. I am learning the lingo for how to respond to my partner, how to focus on one game and take the hints they give. I also feel comfortable framing a game. I still want to practice more in private groups before I get to 301 this way I feel totally confident. The things I need to work on are reacting stronger to what my partner says. I have no problem having an imagination when I'm telling a vivid story to my younger siblings or playing a character in an elaborate game of pirate treasure hunt and surprisingly, improv is very similar. It's a very specific advanced form of make believe. It's almost as if we are children all over again in a more sophisticated manner.

Anyway, when I watch SNL everything makes more sense now, I see what they are doing and I understand why it is funny. I never thought of myself as someone who is funny. I've always been goofy, but I think those are different things. Improv has however made me more direct and honest in everyday life and I think a huge part of being funny is being honest because at the end of the day, everyone can relate...as much as we pretend they can't. From this point, I am taking a month off to do an on camera class and let everything sink in, while running some practice improv groups with friends. I am also hitting up those agents, so look out LA! I have a lot of people visiting me the next couple weeks from out of state/ town/ country, so it will be busy. I might have to catch you up later. Toodles :)

UCB 201: Running the Show

I think I have this love/ hate relationship with improv, most likely because I am just starting out haha.. I do like that I'm learning and challenging myself. However, I feel every time I walk into class, I mentally prepare myself to be scrutinized, to be picked at. And I think it's hindering me from freely improving and thus taking the fun out of it... I need a safe place to make mistakes and I'm even afraid to venture out because I know my thoughts aren't complete or as "UCB stamped" as they should be. This is so vague, sorry. We ran our show last night and it wasn't where I wanted to be at this point. I wanted to be more proficient, to have mastered establishing a game and that hasn't happened. I'm taking a break to do an on-camera class because I just need to let the improv marinate and honestly, I'd rather do scripts. It's what I know. It's what I'm good at. I look at how unique all these lady comedians are and I look like all miss america ingenue, not a funny comedian. I know that's beside the point, but let's get real for a second. This is la, where you are cast the first 10 seconds you are in the room.  So maybe it is wisdom to be aware how I'm percieved, especially with what I want to do. We'll see. I'm a female artist and therefore it's my prerogative to change my mind.

I'm listening to more classical music lately and I think it is actually increasing my artistic tendencies. I find myself craving it as I'm driving around this city with everyone else and their mom. The beauty, the mastery of it all, its inspiring. So, all those tests about Mozart being good for your brain are probably true.

I went to IKEA for the first time today (I know... Don't give me that look) and it was quite an experience. The master of furniture stores because they use the ultimate marketing tool- story telling. They create this desirable world and convince you, "hey, this would be a nice place to live." I just have respect for working artists, people that can make a living off designing, who can find their niche and just hit a home run- economically speaking... I was happy for them, yet jealous. Not because I want to design. Home decor overwhelms me after a while. I am just getting that feeling that all young people get. I want to find my place in the world. I know the things I am good at, I just need to find a place where my talents are appreciated and therefore a place I can excel. And yes, I am aware I've chosen quite the journey ...haha.

We watched our show as we always do after class and then went next door for drinks. I am at the place where I enjoy watching the show and hanging out after more than the actual class... There's probably something off there.

It also probably sin't helping that I cant perform in the graduation show at the end. No official "test" and as a student at heart, that bothers me somehow.

I'm reading Virginia Woolf's A Room of Ones Own and its very interesting. I sympathize with her dialogue on all the warring that goes on inside an artist when she wants to express herself, but finds road blocks, particularly financial ones... anyway, this spoke to me:

" For masterpieces are not single and solitary births; they are the outcome of many years of thinking in common, of thinking by the body of the people, so that the experience of the mass is behind the single voice"

I have experienced a handful of great works of art, numerous workshops and rehearsals where moments have changed me. However, the one time I truly felt I wrote a masterpiece (or at least a masterpiece for what it was) was my speech to my college graduating class because it was exactly that. An experience by a whole so perfectly expressed by a single voice... and that is why they laugh, cheer and applaud, because it is specific to them. Their story. I hope someday to write or create a real masterpiece or one on a larger level.

A Little Chat

Went to the Grub (pictured above-adorable!) with a friend of mine who actually works in the industry today and we just got to joke around, be ourselves and simply talk about life. It's nice to hear positive things about me, especially when any form of the word "talent" is included. It was a huge confidence booster. And I've decided unless you want to do it the hard way, all actors need fans.... or at least friends that will lie to them well and tell them they can do it. I am convinced that it is these little conversations that actually go the longest. Talking with people always gives you perspective, even people outside the industry. surround yourself with good people who love you. I may not have followed all the steps correctly, but this is the ONE thing I have actually done right and I am beyond grateful. There is nothing more valuable than people in this world to begin with.

I was also doubting if I was a real actress as thoughts of getting a "real" job wandered through my mind this week. I found myself crying earlier today because I wasn't working on something creative, because I wasn't creating/ directing/acting and it hurts me... deep. Disturbed? potentially. But, it did satisfy my inner doubt. I am a real artist. I love creating! I spend all my time, thoughts, resources and money in trying to make it happen... if that isn't passion, I don't know what is. Just because it is taking longer than I expected doesn't mean that the results are too far in the future. And wisdom tells me, "do not despise the small beginnings."

UCB 201: Putting it all together

So, class finally was fun again for the first time in like 6 weeks!! We just started running the Harold. Three quick monologues, scene premises from the monologues, second beats of the first scenes. We did that over an over again and we actually were doing well. We found games, we justified things, we heightened the games. wow. I was beginning to wonder if I should take 201 over again, but now I feel like we are getting it... FINALLY!!! after being so frustrated!!! I think the biggest difference was we were allowed to play without specific boundaries. For so many weeks we were playing games that were so specific and had a lot of limitations, so that we could learn a very little piece of the tool belt for improv and everything was new. Now it's time for review so we can culminate everything together.

I ha a stuffy nose this class and I wasn't feeling one hundred percent, so I told myself that tonight I wasn't going to stress. I was going to relax and absorb the information. And I had a huge revelation. when you are relaxed and not freaking out about a scene idea, your brain actually work better and can make a good connection. For example, my partner initiated a scene where a husband wanted to infest the entire town with termites so that his termite exterminating business could get rich quick. I "yes and-ed" until I established that he wanted to exploit people for money and I thought it was kind of immoral. He was the crazy man and I was the strait man. Simply responding to what he said last and really listening. Trust that we find something. I think that's a HUGE KEY! Much bigger than any of the experts let on. We did our scene heightened it and we got edited. And then, the panicking ensues. Ah!!!!! I have to figure out what the initiation is for the second scene, to play the beat correctly, play the right game. Pressure, pressure building. Then, I remembered my resolution. "Christina. No freaking out. Just stop an watch these other scenes. Something will come." And so I stopped, and like a miracle 10 seconds later I got an idea for a way to heighten the game!!! How like life is that! The second you let something go, it falls right into your lap.I started the next scene with us being husband and wife and him kidnapping children to "get rich quick" and it worked! yay!!! breakthrough. Yes, its a small scene, but it symbolizes that I can do this. It isn't as distant as I'd thought.

The main notes that our class got in the games is looking for the why of the weird character. If he/she can say why they hold this strange philosophy, it actually makes the scene more successful and it makes my job easier. So that will be my next focal point. If I am the unusual man, say explicitly why I hold this philosophy and if I am the strait man, push for why the other has this philosophy. If we are peas in a pod, say the why. The clearer the better because so MUCH is lost in translation in improv, even if you are trying your hardest. Lamens terms are best.

I am still not really laughing at the shows even though they are well done. I see more of the language that they use and it's not as much of a mystery to me anymore. I see their science and so, its almost as if a piece of the magic and awe has disappeared for me. But as I am trying to become a magician myself, that's probably for the best. My brain is till actively tracking them, watching their moves. "Oh, I see what they did there." "This worked really well." It's fun, but in a deeper way. I was reunited with some of my 101 friend so that was definitely a highlight! Yay friends! People to process with!

UCB 201: Second Beat

In class, we went over the second beat. Basically, you play a first game, heighten it, do other scenes and you will come back to that scene either with a time dash (with the same character somewhere else) or analogous (with different characters playing the same game). For us, in class, we really struggled with getting the why of the first game, which made the second beat really hard to hit.

For example, in a scene, I played a character that made sound effects to everything. aka biting a burrito, making wispy noises when my partner's hair moved. She gifted me that I've been over-dramatizing everything since my acting classes and I added that making all the effects just made life more fun. It was a funny scene and it was one of the first times in 201 where I actually felt competent. Yay! I can find a game!!!! Hallelujah. And then. End scene, take a few seconds, come up with the second beat. I felt pressured for time and couldn't think of anything else, so I played the same character at work handing in a report and I did more of the sound effects for everything, which got more laughs. However, the note I got was that is was the same scene all over again. I didn't care! At least I can sort-of do one component right. My teacher wasn't going to rain on my parade! And as more and more classmates did second beats, we found the same issue over and over again. Those that did find a game just played it over again because the why was lacking, which made the game incomplete. We all left class feeling very frustrated.

I try to remind myself that I am learning a new language. And then I sit there in class and I think, hey, I already know how to do theatre. I know how to build a character. I know how to do films (shorts mostly, but the skills translate). I am phenomenal at hosting, I'm great at a talk show and I've done some major public speaking. These are the things I know. These are the things I'm good at and naturally excel in. Why am I spending my time trying to be funny and learn improv, when it's obviously going to take a lot of energy. I guess my motive was that I knew a close friend got discovered through ucb and so it seemed so achievable. However, she is naturally funny. She has the "character" look. This is what probably comes most naturally to her and so she met her destiny. I am glad I am expanding my improv skills and I'm "seasoning" myself as an actor, but sometimes we may just have natural gifts for a reason. This is why type casting exists. Because type casting works;it's true. Why am I trying to fight the system?

And THEN>>>> We go see our usual ucb show and I notice the justifications and the grounding of everything. I see them using the lingo to identify the unusual thing. But honestly, THEY AREN'T PLAYING COMPLETE GAMES! What? !!! They are playing half games and everything that they are doing that is successful and getting the most laughs, they will do all over again for a second beat. Very similar to what I did in class today that I got reprimanded for.

I think part of it is their games are very simple and usually involve a specific character in the title of the game. aka: overbearing parent, paranoid spouse, forgetful cop ect. The game is so broad that you have more room to play. I think I try to make my games so specific that I trap myself.

I stopped laughing at the shows. I am so analytical that I am watching their every move, narrating to myself and identifying when things happen.oh, there's the game, oh they just confirmed the game, oh, the second beat, I see how they did that. When the crowd reacts with roaring laughter, I shake my head in awe. So, that got a laugh...why? I've almost completely detached myself from the enjoyment of it all and it has become work, a project to be mastered. Wasn't improv supposed to be fun? Maybe my personality is too intense for improv or maybe this analytical part is just a stage and after nit picking everything apart, I will find the ease and joy of it again. I remember feeling so free in 101, sheesh what happened?

Maybe, it's like they say: "You learn all these rules, but they can all be broken." Most of the teams I see just do what works and they are often playing several games at one time. My favorite part is the imagination of it all. Going to a country town with a ghost from long ago, visiting a pirate ship or a train station with a french conductor...all from a one word suggestion. The power of the human mind to make connections is astounding and it's actually quite beautiful to watch. I found myself laying my head on the wooden banister as I was on the far side, watching with intent, glazed eyes resigned to the fact that for that moment, I wouldn't be able to trace the magic or figure it out.

The funnest part came afterward when some classmates and I all went to get a beer next door. We talked all things acting, la, ideal types ect and it was sooo fun. Despite my frustration, something about sitting in a bar after a show with a bunch of other performers makes me feel like this is the dream. In La with fun people, on this CRAZY adventure. I guess more than success what I wanted most out of life was adventure and a long string of stories to go with it! So, I am grateful. These are "the" moments.

Trucking along

The dinner theatre show went sooo great this time and I think it was because I was cast with a guy as my date who actually realistically could be dating me in real life. Our table totally bought us hook, line and sinker! So much so that a gentleman at our table gave us marriage advice. And then he went on this analogy about a flagpole and a monkey and how that relates to good communication. He was a little tipsy. Anyway, everyone thought we were normal until.... BAM! Our bit comes and we have this dramatic scene with yelling and slamming tables. He unsults me, I get to smack him (at which point cues the "OOOOHHHHHHH" from the room) and then he gets shot... oh theatre! Cheesy, but too much fun!!

For me, one of the more interesting parts was when this lady, who's alias was "Black Widow" comes up to me quick at the beginning and begins to ask me questions and then suddenly says, "where did you go to school?" It threw me for a loop because how does this lady even know I went to school and noooo one has ever asked me that question at the show before. I probably made a weird face and hesitated, but I answered honestly and that seemed to satisfy her. After the show, she came up and said, "I knew you were an actress. Your voice gave you away. It's very strong and clear. I used to teach theatre which is why I asked you about school. Did you really go there for school or was it part of the role?" And you can imagine how the conversation continued. Yes, it was real, thank you for coming, it was fun, drive safe, blah blah blah. Anyway, that is the 100th time a complete stranger has commented about my voice. Maybe I really need to invest in this? Next goal: Save money to take some voice caster classes and eventually develop a voiceover reel. It cant hurt to expand my skills.

Went to a dinner b day party at el compadre last night. I just like being in hollywood and seeing people at thier finest- when everyone is all dressed up and out, laughing with each other. I like to silently watch them all glow as the volume increses around the room.

Oh, and watched STOKER. Great cinematography, and I know that comment gets thrown around all the time, but really beautifully artistic and detailed. It was as if it was filmed fromt he persepctive of a troubled girl who could hear the click of shoes and rub of a belt and what it all meant. The capturing of glances, silent exchanges between characters. It was just fun to watch and slowly grow with the protagonist, to learn her motives for isolation. The plot made a full circle which was fun. I just enjoyed it! I want to make work like this! And duh, the acting was great! That's just a given.

UCB 201:Support… and other thoughts

I’m almost thinking of retaking 201 so I can just get a lot of practice finding the game,  but would that be frustrating to take a class with people who don’t know concepts that you’ve had time to work? Maybe it would boost my confidence. Hehe.

That being said, I went to do a make up class today and the teacher was very supportive, which was nice and it reminded me that I am here to be in a class, to make mistakes to work on my weaknesses and that’s what I’m paying for. However, the natural result of the nature of the class is constructive criticism. I think felt constructive because he said, “Nice work” at the end and even if he says that to everyone, it’s nice to hear. We worked on support. And it was surprisingly unintimidating to be with a bunch of people I didn’t know. But I think it was the structure of the class and doing basic exercises. That’s simple enough, right? No room for awkward, fake conversations.

We learned about support, particularly from the back line such as: walk-ons, tag outs, cut to, sound effects, physical support. The tag in was the one I had the most trouble with. Here’s the deal. I can recognize the unusual thing and I can play with the idea of tagging in as a doctor/ therapist/ neighbor/ boss, but I have trouble building based on a specific premise. I feel the need to expand the same idea. I need to start thinking of why. Why is this person this way? Why are they unusual? What do I do in my normal life? How would they be different? The only problem is that I have milliseconds to answer all these questions in my head . I feel like I’m not thinking fast enough, not making fast enough connections.

At the end, the instructor just had us do two people scenes. Our first suggestion was nose ring. I said something about having a new piercing and did my partner like it. Which he responded by saying, “no” very flat out. It was funny, but I got stuck… we obviously got in an argument because I started the scene with a question. UGH!!! Questions are so natural. When you’re standing there lacking information, it’s human nature to ask a question to gather information. I must instead choose to know the answer, more rewiring of the brain.  Our next suggestion was Barbie and so I was initiating my friend into the Barbie club inside a tent I had. The instructor interrupted and wanted us to cut to the middle of the scene, so I cut to sitting in the tent (which is the same thing, just a different position). Instead I could have started talking as Barbie to another Barbie as if we have been playing for a while, but for some reason, I have a block. It’s difficult for me to jump that far because we’re physically not there yet in the scene. I have no reference for what happens next. I need to start thinking forward, thinking of possibilities, making things active.

I did have a revelation. I see these performers and how quickly they move and make connections and so I feel the need to be fast. I think I expressed this in a side comment and the instructor stopped me. He mentioned it’s not about being fast. If anything, I need to slow down because so much information is coming out at once. Maybe that’s the key. Another goal I have with this process is to slow down and listen. Particularly while I’m in the beginning of a scene.

And all the people I’ve met so far at ucb have been friendly and nice. Hey, from someone who works with actors, this is a luxury. The ucb students are universally private and doing their own thing, but once the initial connection is made, they are kind.

My friend and I met in 101 and really connected, so we created a group of people from class to come to the comedy show that always took place conviently after our 101 class ended, which always happens to be bangarang and some other group. We continued to take 201 on the same day of the week, so our bangarang tradition continues. I like my friend because he is very analytical and business personality minded as I am, so when we talk about improv we are on the same page. This is the revelation that we discussed most recently: we think that there is an “improv” personality. I think there is because all my teachers talk the same, they almost have the same lilt to their voice, particularly when they are the strait man or the voice of reason. They think things all along the same lines and now that I think about it, the performing improvers in the shows throughout the week have this same personality/ language that they use to communicate. It is very specific and hidden, yet it seems effortless. Essentially, in learning to do improv, I’m learning a whole new language. Phew. That makes me feel better. It’s definitely a process. I must learn to communicate in terms of games and unusual things, but in a very basic, normal seeming way. Does that even make sense? Anyway, I need to develop the parts of myself that fit this universal “improv personality” so that when I am playing the strait man, I can rely on the default I created. This way, I react to the things I’m supposed to react to (whatever is deemed unusual), I don’t throw in too many unusual things, and I can then think in terms of building a game. All other thoughts and patterns are distractions, so when I am doing improv, I need to simplify. Think less. “Yes and” …( agree with your scene partner & add information)…. If only I could trust I’d be funny. BECAUSE there are scenes where I “yes and”…. And still the scene is unsuccessful, so that’s the basic, but it’s far more complicated than that. 

UCB 201: Justification

Ah!!! What to say? This UCB class is definitely working my brain. We learned about justification in class tonight. For example, in the exercise, you start off a scene as completely normal. When the unusual thing comes up, one man is the strait man and the other is the unusual character and the scene will play our three times over with different justifications. Afterwards we discussed what made them successful or unsuccessful. For my scene, my partner opened with how excited she was to be invited to my sleepover. I responded saying I was so glad she could make it. She says she’s especially excited because I’m so popular and I deny the fact that I am popular even though I obviously am. She endows me with dating the star of the football team. The unusual thing is that I am clearly popular, but wanting to deny it. So now… why? My first justification was because popular girls where short skirts and I don’t, so I clearly can’t be popular. I DON’T KNOW!!!! It was the first thing that popped into my head. And then she proceeded to comment on how all my jeans are so in style. I contradicted with, “but really, when you think of the ideal popular person, she is always wearing a short skirt, therefore I can’t be popular.” Then the scene proceeded and got stuck on the skirt thing. In the notes afterwards, it was brought to my attention that the justification wasn’t bad, I simply got distracted. It wasn’t necessarily the skirt. It was the idea that “If I wasn’t 100% the ideal, I couldn’t be popular.” Ways to build the game instead of sticking on the skirt thing could be to mention that in the cafeteria, I don’t sit at the #1 table, I sit at the #2 table, so clearly I’m not popular. I’m not the captain of the cheer squad, I’m the co-captain. Basically, being popular, but not the #1 perfect ideal. So, my justification wasn’t dumb, I just had to expand it. To ask myself why did that come into my head? Short skirt should connect to fitting an image which should connect to what else in in that image then that should connect to how can I build the scene/game? The writing helps me process. I’m getting stuck at finding a specific game and then building the right parts of it (not following bunny trails). I think one of the keys to staying off bunny trails is actually listening. We, as creative improv artists will always have an idea. Most of everything that’s successful is turning off your brain to your thought process and reacting to the last line said to you, really listening. Detailed listening.

In the next justification, it was that I’m too nice to be popular. It didn’t play out well because I didn’t commit enough. I kept saying how I take care of elderly on the weekends and always buy girl scout cookies. I could have heightened it. Aka. By mentioning if I really wanted to be popular, I would have to start crushing kids skulls and beating them up, making girls cry and that’s all so exhausting ect.

The third justification was that I’m not popular just because I have a popular boyfriend. In the scene I mentioned how people always talk to him when we’re together. They don’t know my name. The science of popularity by definition is based on one’s ability in themselves, not who they’re dating. My teacher gave a really funny suggestion, but I forgot it.

p.s. My teacher drives me crazzzy Because he is always so funny and so smart and so good at finding the specific games and heightening. I marvel at his ability to pick things out. It is soooo frustrating. But, I suppose it’s good that he is my teacher and I can learn haha.

Then we did an exercise where one person opened with a worldview statement and the other had to naturally respond. This was more fun. Which is ironic because the point was that just by listening and responding naturally to the last thing said, you will get a ton of laughs. Being real and honest is funny.

I think I just need to work on finding the game and building it correctly, but also, you want the game to develop naturally and not too rushed. Yes, establish relationship, location ect. But not too fast to where there are SOOO many unusual things. Because trying to ground the scene becomes almost impossible as there is now no reference for a true reality.

THEN, we saw a show at the Franklin theatre. UGH! They were so good. It’s sooo annoying how they were so good. I just sit there in awe of how they can just do it all, but the most fascinating part was how quickly everything happened. And THEN, we saw a two person team, Heather and Mehl I think it was, but that Heather girl... I mean goodness. She fascinated me. I couldn't keep my eyes off her, everything she did was fresh and entertaining and new, and she too moved so fast through everything. they bothe were able to track each other and transition to scenes together, like they had the same idea at the same time. How do you orchestrate that? I talked with Heather afterwards. She told me she's been doing improv for 15ish years, so I can hardly compare my level of performance to hers. I'm just a baby at this point. It's interesting because I watch her and I say, "That! I want to be able to do that, because if I could, I could do anything." She was so beautiful and versatile. However, there is the understanding that this skill could take years to develop. To train my brain to react so specfically, and the amount of time it would take to train myself seems overwhelming. But, what else am I going to do? (cricket, cricket) Okay! Sounds like I'm still on the bandwagon. What is a bandwagon anyway? A wagon for the band? And if so... not just anyone can jump on, you kind of have to know an instrument. Or do you?

If it ain't broke...

Soorry! I got my wisdom teeth out so I've been drugged up and not really writing or doing anything besides chillin and sleeping haha. I did my dinner theatre show on Saturday which was actually rather meh. The audience really put a damper on things and we could feel it. The smaller amount of people didn't aid either. ANYWAY, I got a note and it totally made me upset. I played the killer and it's supposed to be really obvious that its me in the end... However, because the room was sooo small, I had a target on my back from the beginning and so I didn't do my normal CRAZZZY woman act... and so I guess not enough people guessed me : (
Lesson learned: Don't try to be all artistic and adjust to a crowd. When you have a script that you are doing consistently and you find what works, DONT be creative, save the effort and just do what you've always done.... if it ain't broke don't fix it. Maybe there is something about similarity and tradition and efficiency that we Americans can always appreciate. Fine, easy. I can do it and beyond! It's almost like that moment when you get a note and you want to go sooooo overly in the direction of the note just to make a point, Next time I could be screaming and psycho! No one will even think to guess anyone else!!! I want to make it seem ridiculous and when the director has to humbly adjust me again, I can play dumb... oh actors, what great game players we can be.... in the BEST possible way of course ;) I think I'm just upset because I got a note for a script I've been doing forever. It made me feel incompetent and that upset me, like the host was looking for something to blame. Never the less, I will do the only thing I can in this situation and improve from here. NO MORE NOTES!!!

My own lies

You know, it's weird feeling so many things so strongly in one day. This life path is so darn confusing! AHHHH!!!! That's what I did today in my car, yelled and screamed and threw a fit!!! Ugh! I give myself such a hard time. I had to re-defer my loans another six months because I'm obviously not rolling in the dough and there is a very strong and passionate part of myself that feels I need to get a real job, pay off my debts before I continue to pursue this career.

THEN, I had this amazing and enlightening conversation about politics today and I think I want to be in politics, that I would love being in DC and making real things happen, to walk around with a briefcase and rally people, to touch the most passionate parts of them.

THEN I watch a talk show and all I can think of is the last one I hosted and how I want to have my own show again.To talk about fun things, book guests and wear watches and heels and curl my hair

 And THEN I drive past downtown LA at night. What am I doing? shouldn't I be somewhere by now? Maybe I should take a hint and develop a real career. No! Not this path again. Hey! I gave up EVERYTHING of my old life. All my friends and family and everything that was familiar; I took a huge risk to come to this vicious city where everyone is more than happy to trample all over each other to get what they want. I've booked a few gigs, I'm moving forward and most important, I'm still here. With every hollywood success, the same road was rarely taken. The one common denominator of the wildly successful is time. I just have to be in this city long enough and keep going and something will catch. I just have to deal with my emotions in the meantime... ugh! Why?! Why am I so passionate? Why can't I just sell out? What am I afraid of? ...

Side note: Dinner theatre went well tonight. There are some nights when I walk in and with everyone talking success talk, it just makes me feel inferior and I get down. Tonight however, I was on and I did well and the audience complimented me as they walked out and I laughed a lot and I seemed to glow in spite of myself. You know what I mean! Those rare moments when you look great, say all the right things, compliment people and make instant friends. I mean, let's be honest. The moment when you can see in the eyes of others admiration, that they want to be your friend. But, it may just be all a show, a grand illusion and when the curtain falls, everything is the same again and you are left with an empty glow or what we call a memory, a recollection of smiles and words and the clink of glasses followed by a gasp. And the combination of it all will resonate in your brain someday as "the good old days". I try so hard to make those days now, to make myself believe that life is just how it should be because there is no other option, right? Then why am I dissapointed with where I am? Mostly, I can fake it and convince myself this is what I really want, that I'm on a journey and tomorrow will be better ... and then there are the days when I don't have the energy to convince myself of my own lies.

Getting an agent- arg!

Time to spam the world. I was on IMDb pro for  hours, literally like 5 hours, like my eyes are burning, I've been staring at the computer that long. It can't be healthy. Anyway, I've compiled a list of 121 agencies that will be spammed by yours truly. To be honest, I'm not even sure that IMDb pro will be completely accurate and I wouldn't be surprised if empty mailboxes or warehouses got my headshot, but that's part of the process. ABC printing has good deals on mass printing headshots and the envelopes will be ready. After the initial spam is complete, I will wait a week and then spend hours faxing and THEN follow up e mails another week later and if all that doesn't book me anything, I think I will burn down the city of LA (That was a joke hehe.. not funny? sheesh!). Anyway, the monotony of it is comforting, something about a secure process of completing an activity is actually exciting. Yep, that's it for the moment...

OHHHH!!! and I'm meeting new friends in this city, which is more helpful than you can imagine. Actually having real dependable friends as opposed to what I would call "networking buddies." The only problem with networking buddies is that I am all too aware f how we are using each other. I have to get over the ingeniuity of it. I definitely wasn't born a hustling LA money gal. How much easier life would be if that all came naturally. My new found friends and I are going on a hike this weekend and I have a coffee date set up. Woo Hooo!!!

UCB 201 Improv, Class One

Wow, I definitely feel the notch rise in this level of class. My brain was actually overworked by the time I exited. In 101 they didn't want us in our heads. It was all about being honest, yes and-ing and establishing relationship, location and what. Now it's all about framing the game and finding the game. You can no longer just say the first thing that pops into your head. You have to filter it, make sure it fits the game that's being played, fits it most successfully and then say it in utmost sincerity. I'm sure it becomes natural after so many scenes.It is one skill to watch a scene and say in your head, I think there is a lingo that I haven't discovered yet. The ironic thing is that while I was watching a UCB show last night after the class, a lot of the laughs weren't even related to the game. Laughs can come when someone says a word funny or mispronouces something. I also have a theory that a lot of laughs can be predicted. I'm sure that there are bits and structures that have a guaranteed laugh. For example, in class, we played with the concept of one person being an extreme emotion and the other neutral. Say the emotion is happiness. The character will start happy and escalate in happiness. Then, the character can return to a more normal and neutral place for a few lines and then at the mention of something that sets them off, surprise the audience, have an extreme reaction and it is usually followed by a burst of laughter. Maybe it can be worked down to a science. That's probably why they have us do a specific structure. Anyway, it takes far more focus to get into the pattern of framing a specific game and not only that, but doing it successfully and on the spot. It think this is the part of the process that reminds me of building a character, of knowing every minute detail about them. I can't wait for the stage when we can forget everything and just be, but now it's the working part.

I'm also getting to a point where not having money is starting to wear on me. I'm sure tomorrow it will be better as it always is, but today, its just annoying. It takes a lot of self control to stick to your budget, especially as you are starting out and wanting to connect with people and that costs money. Yes, food money, but mostly gas money. Hopefully that promotion at work comes soon, or I may have to take a break from these classes. ho hum.

UCB 101 Grad Show

So.... I did my first official little mini improv show this afternoon at the theatre on good old Franklin Ave. People were standing in line for our show, not vise versa, which was a change for sure... of course they were all our friends and family hehe. First of all, it was 39493479237498327 billion degrees outside, so it was hot! We were split into two teams and we went second. The shows weren't perfect, but they were fun. I have no problem stepping out onstage, but I also don't want to be a show hog. This is 101 and we are all just learning here. After all, I'm a little baby improver.

I think our class is soooo creative, so we are always throwing out these very intense strange scenarios instead of focusing on the first unusual thing. I guess that's a muscle that can be trained. I played a very hightened version of myself in all the scenes. I think I can learn to trust that small simple things are enough. The scenarios don't have to be outlandish and it's better to have the scene be actively engaged instead of just describing an event or what we would do. I was very focused on the what and need to establish location and relationship quickly and the what will form. Often in my scenes, the actual active, interesting game of the scene wouldn't come about until later because the relationship and location came later. UGH, it's just so hard to tame when you have a good idea burning inside of you. I guess 201 will work out a lot of the kinks. My goal in this next phase is to relax, to trust the simple things, to get location and relationship established early. A relationship makes the scene active and therefore fun to watch. Audiences are less favorable to narrations. I watched the videos that my friend took. I kind of cringe at parts, but I suppose that's part of the process of learning how you are perceived. Someone once told me that's 90 percent of communication.

The show part was great! The audience laughed a lot and that's the whole point in the first place, let's not forget. The portion that stressed me out was the afterwards. When you have so many different friend groups that converge, it's hard to make everything blend together. After notes, I met up with everyone and we couldn't decide where we wanted to go, which was complication number one. Number 2, all of us couldn't fit into one of these tiny chic little bar restaurant things along the row. We ended up at a bar top and I was trying to engage my friends from lend me a tenor at one end and debrief about the show with improvers at the other end and check in with my grandma. I'm not a very good hostess and it wasn't really smooth. I did get to meet this random attractive guy from Colorado, so that was fun. Hey, I can still be a girl hehe.

Performing and then watching yourself. VERY important. But, that's why we have directors, right? ;) I need to make more of that happen. Anyway, here's part of the crew:

GANGSTER SQUAD!!!

I WANT TO BE IN THIS MOVIE! Ugh. Gangster squad and great gatsby... sign me up. How do I get there???? It was so fun, great cast!

Dinner Detective

I do a murder mystery dinner theatre show most Saturdays. Tonight, I got to talk with an older couple who were well traveled and so we got to share stories of all the places we've been. And I looked super cute, which always helps any social event. I guess the fact that I was the murderer made it a little fun as well. It was hosted in a nice hotel and everything seemed to be sparkling tonight as if I was at a dinner party instead of work. You know what I mean. That moment when you look around and you say, "wow. I act. This is kind of awesome". When the fruit of your labor shines through. These momenta are so rare. I laughed a lot. I needed that. And then afterwards all the actors sat around doing Bane voices while eating fortune cookies. Good times.

Rambling mostly...

It's 1 am, I have to be up at 7am for this new book keeping job that I'm training for. So, I shouldn't really be writing right now haha. I was out late watching a UCB improv show. it's the usual thing that a few of us do after class on Tuesdays. Today in class we were simply rehearsing for our show and doing mini scenes over and over again. After doing that all afternoon and making my share of mistakes, watching these more seasoned players just put me in awe. How do they do it? How do they think so quickly? Where do they get so many ideas and how do you develop that kind of support?! I suppose it's just a honed craft. I've decided that I best like the mono-scenes with two people(One 20 min scene instead of a bunch of little ones). They get to explore an idea more fully and its more entertaining to watch, for me at least. That's my goal. I'd like to do a successful mono-scene someday with one other improviser.

I am most excited about my actor friends. Our graduation show is on Sunday and we are a little sad it's ending. A couple of my classmates signed up for the same 201 class with me, and it starts next Tuesday so we don't miss a beat and we can still come to our Tuesday night shows. Yay!!

We had a sub in our class today, which I actually enjoyed because he was so business and talked less and had us perform more. Some of my colleagues were however very thrown off and it created a tinsie bit of drama. I am excited for our improv graduation 101 show on Sunday. I know a lot of them are nervous and not inviting anyone. I however am letting everyone I know to come. Hey, I'm not performing for an empty room, ugh. And I actually think we are all quite talented, even if we are "beginners."

I want to appologize because I feel so much of this blog is ranting. However, I promised myself I would be as honest as possible, even if its not ideal or pleasant. And you know what, acting is a lot of overcoming everything and that gets exhausting fairly quickly. Maybe someday cooler things will happen to me and it will get more positive. Anyway, everyone needs to sometimes get their actor frustration off their chest and what better place to be as personal as possible than the internet??? hmmm????

Anyway, for tonight, I feel amazing. I feel like anything can happen. Maybe because I saw a great show, maybe because I'm in 201, so I'm on to the next thing? Maybe because I am realizing the wonderful people I'm meeting and I'm so grateful? Maybe because I looked cute in my red chuck taylor high tops and I actually felt my hair in the wind as it blew in the excitement of the Los Angeles evening breeze? Too much? Anyway, I'm so excited for the future and I wouldn't want to be anyone else!!!

Maybe I should stop caring???

I'm probably going to drive myself crazy if I don't kill myself first. This work ethic I have is eating me alive. Always gotta be doing better, progressing, booking the nest thing. I wonder if that's an actor trait as living usually happens from project to project.

Went to a couple of events today and got to meet other actors/ filmmakers. I got a few numbers and the people were actually cool and I enjoyed myself. Maybe this networking thing doesn't have to be miserable.

Oh.... and I read ANOTHER bio of someone who never really thought about acting as a career and due to major coercion by his friends did it on a whim and is doing better than I am. Ugh!!! What about us intentional ones? What about us dreamers? Maybe it's time to stop caring? If only that were possible....  It's okay Christina, calm down.... Stop comparing yourself or you will stifle your growth. Yet it's so easy to look around, especially as I'm meeting more and more actual working actors, but then again, maybe it's a good sign my community is more advanced than I am on this road.... It pushes me because I can't turn my inner drive off, seriously, where is the off switch so that I can start sleeping at night instead of thinking of everything I could do... But then again, all of this could change in just one lucky day, suddenly I could actually book something that matters and then maybe my stories would start sounding less pathetic and more inspirational. Anyway, thanks for listening, I needed to get that off my chest ;) Writing forces me to put my ambiguous thoughts and feelings into concrete words. It helps me survive. That and working out are my coping mechanisms for this crazy life of acting. I refuse to become bitter, I'm staying positive!!!!!

Weirdest Audition By FAR!!!

Today was by far the STRANGEST AUDITION I"VE EVER BEEN TO!!!! I seriously don't even know how to describe it to you. It was for some radio job working consistently on the air. First of all, it was in this run down, tagged building in a sketchy part of town. I drove around several times just to make sure other people were entering the building. I parked my car across the street and after I saw another young girl walk in the building, I got out, gathered my resume, blazer and courage as I paced to the location. Everything that came afterwards was something that could have only happened in the twilight zone. The second I walked in, the lobby was empty. A strong, commanding female voice bellowed, "If you are here for the audition sign your name and go through that door on the left!" I finally saw the disgruntled owner of the voice at a desk behind a window. okay. Nice to meet you too. I went through the door. "Now, head down the hall, take the stairs to your left and await further instruction" and she said it so fast. I literally walked 15 feet and another lady said, in the same firm tone, " Please turn off all cell phones and pagers at this point." I pretended to, I actually didn't turn it off because at this point I wasn't fully convinced that I wasn't going to be raped and killed.

The building had an eerie mustiness about it, as if it was stuck in the 1970's with it's wood panneled walls and wool creme window curtains.I was very skeptical about whatever would happen next. A man was at the top of the three stairs. "Please take a pencil and enter the room to await further instruction." It almost felt concentration camp-y... like SUPER creepy. Thankfully, there were four other souls in the room at the front watching this old video probably made in the 70's about the fathers of radio. The announcer voice was as you could imagine as pixilated footage of busniness men with mustaches crossed the screen. The other four were silent. I payed no attention to the film, checked my watch every minute. At five after the scheduled time, I asked the group, "wasn't t supposed to start five minutes ago?" Which started a conversation about parking and traffic (the two inevitible topics between strangers in la). I found out they were just as weary and creeped out as I was. The brash yellow lighting from some small lamps that couldn't manage to make the room feel any lighter didn't help. The mood was dense. Ten after. what if this is one of those scientific social experiments that people do on test groups. What if we are a test group for experimentation?! What if we are being video-taped and recorded? What if they're just seeing how long we are willing to wait here before getting someone? Ugh. What if someone is wasting my time?!!!!!! grrrrrr. Not in a good mood.

Thankfully, shortly after that the president comes out in a suit that could match Lawrence Welk's. He had a soft, yet controlled voice and sideburns. As he commanded, the staff would appear on que in sequence as if doing a dance to his instructions. Bring papers in, play music, collect papers, bring more papers, no questions until the end. Watch an outdated video about the company, record a selection of reading in this room one at a time. Open the door. The device is already recording. Read it once. Pause. Read it a second time. Be six inches from the mike, leave promptly afterwards. You will be judged on your ability to follow instructions. WELL APPARENTLY, because there is nothing but monotone instruction in this place. I even tried to have a light conversation with the lady before I recorded, but she wasn't interested. After we had finished, she entered and said, "Mr. ____, the recordings have been completed". Which was obviously redundant because we all walked in and out and were fully aware we had all recorded. And there were five of us for crying out loud!!!! If he needed a reminder for five people, there are worse things happening here. I'll find out tomorrow if they want to offer me a job. Yes, a paying job on the air, which is why I convinced myself not to walk out. there's an opportunity for my own radio show. I've had a television talk show before, so the potential for networking with this kind of a platform could be gold. We'll see. Don't judge me! Maybe they have terrible social skills, but it's a payed gig. haha.

It ran late so I missed meeting some acting friends for a UCB maude night. They invited me to sushi next door to the theatre, but sometimes you just have had enough stimulus for one day.... and I'm on an actor's budget, so I'm going home to watch the bachelorette instead. Sheesh, I need to stop being so antisocial. This can't be good for my career....

Jersey Boys in Vegas and How it changed my career!

First off, I have to say that I have AMAZING friends. Yes, life isn't perfect, but I am really grateful for the people in my life. This past weekend my group of girlfriends wanted to go to vegas and on a beginning actress' budget, I was going to have to decline. One of my girlfriends said I could just come and she'd take care of it. I however am going to pay her back (she doesn't know it yet muahahahaha). Yes! It was a marvelous time. We got tons of free alcohol. I can never really finish one drink so I kept passing off half finished glasses to my girlfriends, who gladly helped me out. I'm just not an alcohol person. I mean, it's so many calories and the sugar content is out of control...okay, I'll stop. Focus.

Anyway, since I was already in Vegas I decided to go see Jersey Boys... by myself. I suppose it was the artist in me, but I really enjoyed walking down the strip by myself in the evening. Lights dazzling off the shimmer of my lipgloss, curls bouncing, silk shirt blowing in the wind. And with so many people I felt invisible and I loved it. I melted into the warm evening air. Sorry I'm going on so long, I'm in this cute coffee shop and it just makes me want to write for some reason.

I actually asked the ticket lady if I could get in for free and after she looked at me like I was crazy, she offered me a discount that I reluctantly accepted. Hey, I'm on a budget! However, it has been one of my dreams to see this show and here I am standing at the box office. It's too late to walk away. So I found my lone seat in the back and started reading all the bios. Sheesh, once you're cast in something, it appears so easy to hop around. All the actors have done tours, off broadway, broadway, la jolla playhouse ect. I wasn't sure at the opening of the show, but the plot began to roll. Beautiful vocals are expected, but when I see a show, I want a moment- something that will touch my soul, that I can take home with me, something memorable.

Basically the show is about Franky Valley and the four seasons journeying through the ups and downs of show business. It ended up being surprisingly relevant to this point in my career since I've struggled so much this past year. The timing could not have been more perfect. If I saw this show a few years ago, it wouldn't have resonated with me. In life there are some things that only time can teach you. There was a portion of the show where the band was doing back-up harmonies for all the big stars. After a year of this, they confront the producer. "You guys need a name, a vision, a thing. I can't sell you when you keep changing the band name every couple months." And it stuck with me.

I've been here in La for the past year saying, " I just want to do whatever, to get work of any kind." I thought that by having this perspective, I wouldn't limit myself and the decision to take any type of work would open opportunities. However, watching Jersey Boys gave me new insight. Perhaps the lack of a niche is what actually limits me. I need a name and a strong one. I can't afford to be wishy-washy anymore. But what do I want my brand to be? What do I want to do? And the answer was simple. It was the answer that I've known since the beginning. I want more than anything else to work on period pieces of the roaring 20s or any age/ time-continuum with that type of glamour. I want to wear long red dresses and smoke long cigars and sit in lounges. I can be the sexy girl who is always smiling knowingly. Who lives in an age of no worries because it is an age where beauty is king. Chandeliers, lipstick. heels, glitter, feathers and dancing. I want to be girls similar to Daisy in the Great Gatsby, The seductress in 007 skyfall, the actress in Inglorious Bastards, nine, chicago, W.E. Midnight in Paris, Australia, Moulin Rouge. I need to market myself in such a way that when a producer says, "hmmmm... I need a beautiful, sleek, but smart girl to play in this glamourous period piece... who shall I pick?" The next immediate thought would have to be "Christina Carabajal!!!!" Duh, of course, no question. This is her thing.

This is a great revelation and better now than never. However, this now means I really need to update my reels. Find a way to make this type of work despite the obstacles of elaborate sets and costuming. Find a way!!!! The important thing is that it now feels tangible. This is something that excites me, something I know I can tackle, something that I can make beautiful. AH!!! How I love beautiful things. I will be contacting my writer friends for small shorts and ideas. And then contacting my actor friends for cameras and people and whatever venue will be believable. I have a focus and a vision and of course I will do what pays when it comes, but I have a point and a specific goal.

Anyway, the other part of the show that hit me was when "Franky" was talking about the ups and downs of the latter part of his career, how all the members started dropping out and then after all that, he sung the song that none of the producers wanted to market and the music started slow and sure and familiar. His voice was soft and it brought tears to my eyes, then the climax..."I love you Baby! and if it's quite alright, I need you Baby!" and it was a moment. It represented everything he overcame, the accomplishment of a dream in the business. I understood. After the song, the audience was clapping of course and for a brief second the actor put his hand over his heart, not "Franky, " but the actual actor and I completely lost it. I'm sure the woman next to me was probably wondering why I was crying so much. "Hey, I'm an actress in a constant state of looking for work and instead finding ridicule. you try it. it's exhausting!" Was what I wanted to say. I just kept crying instead.


which p.s. is what acting is. I am crazy. I am in  an abusive relationship with my acting career, I'm very aware of it and yet I choose to stay in the relationship expecting the other party to change. That does make me crazy right?

Anyway, the show was the inspiration and the motivation I needed for the nest step.

Today in class, we did mini versions of our improv show with a monologue followed by three small scenes. I find myself unafraid to jump up, so I am trying to be careful not to hog the stage. I find myself thinking differently. I'm listening better and looking for the games of a scene. It's a very specific type of performance. Basically, finding an unusual trait and exaggerating it within the world, always heightening. The tricks are only choosing one game and clearly communicating with your partner, which is surprisingly more difficult than you would think. The point is that today I am hopeful. And I have learned to cherish that. Because most days hope is a rare commodity.