UCB 101 Grad Show

So.... I did my first official little mini improv show this afternoon at the theatre on good old Franklin Ave. People were standing in line for our show, not vise versa, which was a change for sure... of course they were all our friends and family hehe. First of all, it was 39493479237498327 billion degrees outside, so it was hot! We were split into two teams and we went second. The shows weren't perfect, but they were fun. I have no problem stepping out onstage, but I also don't want to be a show hog. This is 101 and we are all just learning here. After all, I'm a little baby improver.

I think our class is soooo creative, so we are always throwing out these very intense strange scenarios instead of focusing on the first unusual thing. I guess that's a muscle that can be trained. I played a very hightened version of myself in all the scenes. I think I can learn to trust that small simple things are enough. The scenarios don't have to be outlandish and it's better to have the scene be actively engaged instead of just describing an event or what we would do. I was very focused on the what and need to establish location and relationship quickly and the what will form. Often in my scenes, the actual active, interesting game of the scene wouldn't come about until later because the relationship and location came later. UGH, it's just so hard to tame when you have a good idea burning inside of you. I guess 201 will work out a lot of the kinks. My goal in this next phase is to relax, to trust the simple things, to get location and relationship established early. A relationship makes the scene active and therefore fun to watch. Audiences are less favorable to narrations. I watched the videos that my friend took. I kind of cringe at parts, but I suppose that's part of the process of learning how you are perceived. Someone once told me that's 90 percent of communication.

The show part was great! The audience laughed a lot and that's the whole point in the first place, let's not forget. The portion that stressed me out was the afterwards. When you have so many different friend groups that converge, it's hard to make everything blend together. After notes, I met up with everyone and we couldn't decide where we wanted to go, which was complication number one. Number 2, all of us couldn't fit into one of these tiny chic little bar restaurant things along the row. We ended up at a bar top and I was trying to engage my friends from lend me a tenor at one end and debrief about the show with improvers at the other end and check in with my grandma. I'm not a very good hostess and it wasn't really smooth. I did get to meet this random attractive guy from Colorado, so that was fun. Hey, I can still be a girl hehe.

Performing and then watching yourself. VERY important. But, that's why we have directors, right? ;) I need to make more of that happen. Anyway, here's part of the crew:

GANGSTER SQUAD!!!

I WANT TO BE IN THIS MOVIE! Ugh. Gangster squad and great gatsby... sign me up. How do I get there???? It was so fun, great cast!

Dinner Detective

I do a murder mystery dinner theatre show most Saturdays. Tonight, I got to talk with an older couple who were well traveled and so we got to share stories of all the places we've been. And I looked super cute, which always helps any social event. I guess the fact that I was the murderer made it a little fun as well. It was hosted in a nice hotel and everything seemed to be sparkling tonight as if I was at a dinner party instead of work. You know what I mean. That moment when you look around and you say, "wow. I act. This is kind of awesome". When the fruit of your labor shines through. These momenta are so rare. I laughed a lot. I needed that. And then afterwards all the actors sat around doing Bane voices while eating fortune cookies. Good times.

Rambling mostly...

It's 1 am, I have to be up at 7am for this new book keeping job that I'm training for. So, I shouldn't really be writing right now haha. I was out late watching a UCB improv show. it's the usual thing that a few of us do after class on Tuesdays. Today in class we were simply rehearsing for our show and doing mini scenes over and over again. After doing that all afternoon and making my share of mistakes, watching these more seasoned players just put me in awe. How do they do it? How do they think so quickly? Where do they get so many ideas and how do you develop that kind of support?! I suppose it's just a honed craft. I've decided that I best like the mono-scenes with two people(One 20 min scene instead of a bunch of little ones). They get to explore an idea more fully and its more entertaining to watch, for me at least. That's my goal. I'd like to do a successful mono-scene someday with one other improviser.

I am most excited about my actor friends. Our graduation show is on Sunday and we are a little sad it's ending. A couple of my classmates signed up for the same 201 class with me, and it starts next Tuesday so we don't miss a beat and we can still come to our Tuesday night shows. Yay!!

We had a sub in our class today, which I actually enjoyed because he was so business and talked less and had us perform more. Some of my colleagues were however very thrown off and it created a tinsie bit of drama. I am excited for our improv graduation 101 show on Sunday. I know a lot of them are nervous and not inviting anyone. I however am letting everyone I know to come. Hey, I'm not performing for an empty room, ugh. And I actually think we are all quite talented, even if we are "beginners."

I want to appologize because I feel so much of this blog is ranting. However, I promised myself I would be as honest as possible, even if its not ideal or pleasant. And you know what, acting is a lot of overcoming everything and that gets exhausting fairly quickly. Maybe someday cooler things will happen to me and it will get more positive. Anyway, everyone needs to sometimes get their actor frustration off their chest and what better place to be as personal as possible than the internet??? hmmm????

Anyway, for tonight, I feel amazing. I feel like anything can happen. Maybe because I saw a great show, maybe because I'm in 201, so I'm on to the next thing? Maybe because I am realizing the wonderful people I'm meeting and I'm so grateful? Maybe because I looked cute in my red chuck taylor high tops and I actually felt my hair in the wind as it blew in the excitement of the Los Angeles evening breeze? Too much? Anyway, I'm so excited for the future and I wouldn't want to be anyone else!!!

Maybe I should stop caring???

I'm probably going to drive myself crazy if I don't kill myself first. This work ethic I have is eating me alive. Always gotta be doing better, progressing, booking the nest thing. I wonder if that's an actor trait as living usually happens from project to project.

Went to a couple of events today and got to meet other actors/ filmmakers. I got a few numbers and the people were actually cool and I enjoyed myself. Maybe this networking thing doesn't have to be miserable.

Oh.... and I read ANOTHER bio of someone who never really thought about acting as a career and due to major coercion by his friends did it on a whim and is doing better than I am. Ugh!!! What about us intentional ones? What about us dreamers? Maybe it's time to stop caring? If only that were possible....  It's okay Christina, calm down.... Stop comparing yourself or you will stifle your growth. Yet it's so easy to look around, especially as I'm meeting more and more actual working actors, but then again, maybe it's a good sign my community is more advanced than I am on this road.... It pushes me because I can't turn my inner drive off, seriously, where is the off switch so that I can start sleeping at night instead of thinking of everything I could do... But then again, all of this could change in just one lucky day, suddenly I could actually book something that matters and then maybe my stories would start sounding less pathetic and more inspirational. Anyway, thanks for listening, I needed to get that off my chest ;) Writing forces me to put my ambiguous thoughts and feelings into concrete words. It helps me survive. That and working out are my coping mechanisms for this crazy life of acting. I refuse to become bitter, I'm staying positive!!!!!

Weirdest Audition By FAR!!!

Today was by far the STRANGEST AUDITION I"VE EVER BEEN TO!!!! I seriously don't even know how to describe it to you. It was for some radio job working consistently on the air. First of all, it was in this run down, tagged building in a sketchy part of town. I drove around several times just to make sure other people were entering the building. I parked my car across the street and after I saw another young girl walk in the building, I got out, gathered my resume, blazer and courage as I paced to the location. Everything that came afterwards was something that could have only happened in the twilight zone. The second I walked in, the lobby was empty. A strong, commanding female voice bellowed, "If you are here for the audition sign your name and go through that door on the left!" I finally saw the disgruntled owner of the voice at a desk behind a window. okay. Nice to meet you too. I went through the door. "Now, head down the hall, take the stairs to your left and await further instruction" and she said it so fast. I literally walked 15 feet and another lady said, in the same firm tone, " Please turn off all cell phones and pagers at this point." I pretended to, I actually didn't turn it off because at this point I wasn't fully convinced that I wasn't going to be raped and killed.

The building had an eerie mustiness about it, as if it was stuck in the 1970's with it's wood panneled walls and wool creme window curtains.I was very skeptical about whatever would happen next. A man was at the top of the three stairs. "Please take a pencil and enter the room to await further instruction." It almost felt concentration camp-y... like SUPER creepy. Thankfully, there were four other souls in the room at the front watching this old video probably made in the 70's about the fathers of radio. The announcer voice was as you could imagine as pixilated footage of busniness men with mustaches crossed the screen. The other four were silent. I payed no attention to the film, checked my watch every minute. At five after the scheduled time, I asked the group, "wasn't t supposed to start five minutes ago?" Which started a conversation about parking and traffic (the two inevitible topics between strangers in la). I found out they were just as weary and creeped out as I was. The brash yellow lighting from some small lamps that couldn't manage to make the room feel any lighter didn't help. The mood was dense. Ten after. what if this is one of those scientific social experiments that people do on test groups. What if we are a test group for experimentation?! What if we are being video-taped and recorded? What if they're just seeing how long we are willing to wait here before getting someone? Ugh. What if someone is wasting my time?!!!!!! grrrrrr. Not in a good mood.

Thankfully, shortly after that the president comes out in a suit that could match Lawrence Welk's. He had a soft, yet controlled voice and sideburns. As he commanded, the staff would appear on que in sequence as if doing a dance to his instructions. Bring papers in, play music, collect papers, bring more papers, no questions until the end. Watch an outdated video about the company, record a selection of reading in this room one at a time. Open the door. The device is already recording. Read it once. Pause. Read it a second time. Be six inches from the mike, leave promptly afterwards. You will be judged on your ability to follow instructions. WELL APPARENTLY, because there is nothing but monotone instruction in this place. I even tried to have a light conversation with the lady before I recorded, but she wasn't interested. After we had finished, she entered and said, "Mr. ____, the recordings have been completed". Which was obviously redundant because we all walked in and out and were fully aware we had all recorded. And there were five of us for crying out loud!!!! If he needed a reminder for five people, there are worse things happening here. I'll find out tomorrow if they want to offer me a job. Yes, a paying job on the air, which is why I convinced myself not to walk out. there's an opportunity for my own radio show. I've had a television talk show before, so the potential for networking with this kind of a platform could be gold. We'll see. Don't judge me! Maybe they have terrible social skills, but it's a payed gig. haha.

It ran late so I missed meeting some acting friends for a UCB maude night. They invited me to sushi next door to the theatre, but sometimes you just have had enough stimulus for one day.... and I'm on an actor's budget, so I'm going home to watch the bachelorette instead. Sheesh, I need to stop being so antisocial. This can't be good for my career....

Jersey Boys in Vegas and How it changed my career!

First off, I have to say that I have AMAZING friends. Yes, life isn't perfect, but I am really grateful for the people in my life. This past weekend my group of girlfriends wanted to go to vegas and on a beginning actress' budget, I was going to have to decline. One of my girlfriends said I could just come and she'd take care of it. I however am going to pay her back (she doesn't know it yet muahahahaha). Yes! It was a marvelous time. We got tons of free alcohol. I can never really finish one drink so I kept passing off half finished glasses to my girlfriends, who gladly helped me out. I'm just not an alcohol person. I mean, it's so many calories and the sugar content is out of control...okay, I'll stop. Focus.

Anyway, since I was already in Vegas I decided to go see Jersey Boys... by myself. I suppose it was the artist in me, but I really enjoyed walking down the strip by myself in the evening. Lights dazzling off the shimmer of my lipgloss, curls bouncing, silk shirt blowing in the wind. And with so many people I felt invisible and I loved it. I melted into the warm evening air. Sorry I'm going on so long, I'm in this cute coffee shop and it just makes me want to write for some reason.

I actually asked the ticket lady if I could get in for free and after she looked at me like I was crazy, she offered me a discount that I reluctantly accepted. Hey, I'm on a budget! However, it has been one of my dreams to see this show and here I am standing at the box office. It's too late to walk away. So I found my lone seat in the back and started reading all the bios. Sheesh, once you're cast in something, it appears so easy to hop around. All the actors have done tours, off broadway, broadway, la jolla playhouse ect. I wasn't sure at the opening of the show, but the plot began to roll. Beautiful vocals are expected, but when I see a show, I want a moment- something that will touch my soul, that I can take home with me, something memorable.

Basically the show is about Franky Valley and the four seasons journeying through the ups and downs of show business. It ended up being surprisingly relevant to this point in my career since I've struggled so much this past year. The timing could not have been more perfect. If I saw this show a few years ago, it wouldn't have resonated with me. In life there are some things that only time can teach you. There was a portion of the show where the band was doing back-up harmonies for all the big stars. After a year of this, they confront the producer. "You guys need a name, a vision, a thing. I can't sell you when you keep changing the band name every couple months." And it stuck with me.

I've been here in La for the past year saying, " I just want to do whatever, to get work of any kind." I thought that by having this perspective, I wouldn't limit myself and the decision to take any type of work would open opportunities. However, watching Jersey Boys gave me new insight. Perhaps the lack of a niche is what actually limits me. I need a name and a strong one. I can't afford to be wishy-washy anymore. But what do I want my brand to be? What do I want to do? And the answer was simple. It was the answer that I've known since the beginning. I want more than anything else to work on period pieces of the roaring 20s or any age/ time-continuum with that type of glamour. I want to wear long red dresses and smoke long cigars and sit in lounges. I can be the sexy girl who is always smiling knowingly. Who lives in an age of no worries because it is an age where beauty is king. Chandeliers, lipstick. heels, glitter, feathers and dancing. I want to be girls similar to Daisy in the Great Gatsby, The seductress in 007 skyfall, the actress in Inglorious Bastards, nine, chicago, W.E. Midnight in Paris, Australia, Moulin Rouge. I need to market myself in such a way that when a producer says, "hmmmm... I need a beautiful, sleek, but smart girl to play in this glamourous period piece... who shall I pick?" The next immediate thought would have to be "Christina Carabajal!!!!" Duh, of course, no question. This is her thing.

This is a great revelation and better now than never. However, this now means I really need to update my reels. Find a way to make this type of work despite the obstacles of elaborate sets and costuming. Find a way!!!! The important thing is that it now feels tangible. This is something that excites me, something I know I can tackle, something that I can make beautiful. AH!!! How I love beautiful things. I will be contacting my writer friends for small shorts and ideas. And then contacting my actor friends for cameras and people and whatever venue will be believable. I have a focus and a vision and of course I will do what pays when it comes, but I have a point and a specific goal.

Anyway, the other part of the show that hit me was when "Franky" was talking about the ups and downs of the latter part of his career, how all the members started dropping out and then after all that, he sung the song that none of the producers wanted to market and the music started slow and sure and familiar. His voice was soft and it brought tears to my eyes, then the climax..."I love you Baby! and if it's quite alright, I need you Baby!" and it was a moment. It represented everything he overcame, the accomplishment of a dream in the business. I understood. After the song, the audience was clapping of course and for a brief second the actor put his hand over his heart, not "Franky, " but the actual actor and I completely lost it. I'm sure the woman next to me was probably wondering why I was crying so much. "Hey, I'm an actress in a constant state of looking for work and instead finding ridicule. you try it. it's exhausting!" Was what I wanted to say. I just kept crying instead.


which p.s. is what acting is. I am crazy. I am in  an abusive relationship with my acting career, I'm very aware of it and yet I choose to stay in the relationship expecting the other party to change. That does make me crazy right?

Anyway, the show was the inspiration and the motivation I needed for the nest step.

Today in class, we did mini versions of our improv show with a monologue followed by three small scenes. I find myself unafraid to jump up, so I am trying to be careful not to hog the stage. I find myself thinking differently. I'm listening better and looking for the games of a scene. It's a very specific type of performance. Basically, finding an unusual trait and exaggerating it within the world, always heightening. The tricks are only choosing one game and clearly communicating with your partner, which is surprisingly more difficult than you would think. The point is that today I am hopeful. And I have learned to cherish that. Because most days hope is a rare commodity.

Non-union: Blessing or Curse?

I was sitting around with a lot of fellow actors heatedly discussing the unions and the varying opinions. It was quite the passionate conversation and very educational. I always enjoy listening to people that have been doing this longer than I have and by this I mean life, not necessarily acting. But acting is interesting too I suppose. That was a joke. Anyway, maybe it's not bad that I'm not currently union because there is a whole world of work available to me because I'm not. All of the SAG actors present had to turn down some good paying jobs because they were SAG. So in some instances, what's the point of a union if it actually prevents you from booking and making money? Yes, I understand it also opens a lot of doors. It's just this new perspective. I can live my dream and act and not necessarily be union.. Something about that excites me.

I also realized that I am living my dream right now. Yes, it is the beginning of the dream, not the end of it, but the same dream none the less. Let's look at this weekend. I had coffee with a producer friend of mine, was in a dinner theatre show, hung out with some other actor friends. This is what I want to do all the time: perform and have fun friends that I enjoy. Of course, when most people get the snapshot, they think on a far more glamorous level. But, that's basically what I did this weekend and for now, that's good enough for me. I'm happy. I could do this every weekend and be fulfilled. I'm starting to catch the vision for performing and just enjoying what I do. I guess because everyone is always asking what else I'm doing all the time, I feel the need to have to achieve a certain level of fame. But why? I think that's changing in me. I'm doing what I love, what I was made for and from this day forward, I refuse to let anyone make me think it is "less than."

I'm also thinking about the concept of movement verses progress. Just because you are moving doesn't necessarily mean you are making progress. However, can progress happen without an initial movement in the first place? hmmmmm.....

I also want to read more actor autobiographies, like actual books with actual pages written by the actors themselves and just about life, all of it. I recently finished John Lithgow's book, Drama: An Actor's education. I loved that he talked about his family, the politics of  an educational drama setting and the uncertainty of the beginning years. But the book was about life and not acting, in fact, the acting part was downplayed quite a bit. I think he addresses about 10 years of his working life on Broadway in a page and spends chapters talking about the uncertainty of his journey. What I loved most was when he said, "Acting is pretty great, but it isn't everything." That will stick with me.

Here's Hoping

I was talking with a friend the other day about how impatient I am for something, ANYTHING to happen for me. Harrassing agencies for some reason hasn't worked out. They have resisted my charm haha. I sort of could potentially understand them from an incident that happened yesterday. Hear me out.  I got a random e mail from this creeper guy I went on a date (singular) with back in September once. He  leaves me lengthy voicemails every two months, which was incredibly annoying, but whatever... but now he found my e mail address, dang it! And he is persistent... but in the worst way possible. I wonder if I am like that... If I am to the agency a creepy stalker that you are considering a restraining order for. Well, there's only one way to find out. What a story that would be! I've never had a restraining order before. Anyway, the point is I was venting to my friend and he said I should look into voiceover work. So I'm going to try it.

I was sitting backstage of the murder mystery dinner theatre gig I do, talking with fellow actors and I try not to be bitter or jealous when they talk about the things they've booked, their fancy agents and auditions for SNL and la dee da. Well, we can't all be instant successes. I love these people, I'm simply very jealous. I realize that its unattractive, but sometimes emotions come without our control. I am grateful. PLEASE don't misunderstand. I am grateful for my improv class with people I adore. We like each other so much we are having a pool party outside class. I know, right??? Im grateful for this dinner theatre gig and the show I just did and all the wonderful people I've met and I have a website and I'm starting my IMDB. I'm trying here. Anyway, I guess I'd rather surround myself with successful actors instead of people who have NO idea what they are talking about. For that I am also grateful even if I feel outside this silly magical wall sometimes.

While we were chatting I mentioned I wanted to just try voice overs to see how it would go. Might as well right? I mentioned it and the groans came. From their experience more people will audition for a vo than an acting gig (WHAT??) and it's hard because companies will want you to do a lot of voices to cut their expenses(pay less people), which is very capitalistic of them and I respect that. Maybe I should take a vo class? We'll see. I'm going to try it anyway! I literally have nothing to lose. I'm at that point. Well, whatever.. might as well! Can only go up from here.

Anyway, the show went great tonight! The audience was there and involved and loving it. So that was fun, then I drove to Sherman Oaks to catch the end of a friend's surprise party. I think my favorite part of the evening however, was passing by downtown la on the 10 east, my eyes resting on the familiar arc of the staples center and " I had the time of my life" (the 80's version) was on the radio. And the dreams flooded in, the visions. Yes, I am a baby in this world, yes, I am at the beginning. But maybe, the inches closer I've gotten in the last few months will grow to great lengths int he upcoming years??? Here's to hoping!

Oh. I am also extremely restless and crying a lot because I feel so vulnerable due to the lack of "success" whatever intangible vagueness that represents for everyone... which is strange for someone who is simultaneously so happy with life. Hey, I'm a girl and I'm an artist. What do you want from me?! I am also FAR too stressed by the student loans I have lingering over me. I feel guilty spending money with this much debt.. which is sad because life requires money quite often. I had the urge to get a "real" job for a year or two and live like a homeless basically, be debt free by 26 and then pick up acting again. The risks of that are I would do well in the corporate world, advance, get used to a certain lifestyle and stick with it until one day I'd be gazing out of my skyrise office to the world below and I'll say to myself, " I had a dream once, what happened?" and that would be heartbreaking. I think I would hate myself then. I would feel as if I lost the most important parts of myself, the things that were most "me" to begin with.So I'm not sure if it's faith or sheer stupidity, but I'm still gonna stay on the actor track. I'm young! Let me make my mistakes if I must... I'm good at it. I can rock it, all I need is some kind of door. It doesn't even have to be all the way open, just as long as I can stand close enough to knock really loud and often.