Improv Shows

Tonight was a night of improv. I met up with my friend from class, Tracey and his friend Christie from a trip they took together and we were the trio all night, just talking about being an artist and making it happen. Sometimes you just need to talk with someone, to process, to know that there is another person who can relate. We watched the Harold Night at UCB and then we walked a mile in the Los Angeles evening to IO for the student cage night match which another one of my friends,Tony, was in...It was fun to walk by ourselves because no one really walks in this city, which I actually think is a shame because I LOVE to walk. Anyway, the shows were good, but even they have lulls, even professionals have off days. And I appreciate that, a chance to be human.

I am trying to learn to be more honest, to say exactly what I mean, no more no less. C. S. Lewis inspired that in me. He thinks it will take a lifetime to achieve and he is probably correct.The point is with improv you have to be honest, unafraid if what you say is funny or not because the funniest parts are the most natural, strange and childlike. You have to play and that's all it is. I know that this is old news to all you "brilliant ones" out there, but I am a perfectionist I think. I'm not sure, but I think so. I like to do things well, to be excellent. I think it's part of my Disney Dream/ American Heritage of making the impossible happen and not settling for anything less than amazing... or was I the only one?

On the walk, the new friend I met spoke of the successful people she knew, the projects she's worked on, her offer for representation and she's only been here 2 months. It's humbling when I've been here a year and I can't even properly beg an agency to take me on. It's hard not to compare. I just wish that as we are all showing off for each other I had something to say with weight. Shallow, but isn't that what we are always doing when we meet people in La? The classic...." So, what do you do?" aka. What can you do for me? How can you be a future asset? Who do you know? I understand that's how life is designed, but must we be so crude and obvious about it? This girl was not brash and name dropping however, she is so kind and humble and I hope we become friends. I just wanted to be able to contribute to the conversation. I find I'm always listening to actors talk about _____. Listening, listening, soaking it in. I think maybe when I'm here long enough, I can monologue like they do, though I'd prefer a dialogue.

Not a big fan of Actor's Access. I'm submitting for a LOT of roles and so far no dice. Hmmm. Also, no luck with e mailing the agencies.

I get really convicted about the finance class I'm taking because right now the best thing for me to do would be to make money and concentrate on paying off my student loans soon, but that so conflicts with my heart of being an actor and wanting to invest money in classes and eventually moving to the area.The young people will understand my heart and the wiser generation will tell me just do it, pay for them and soon it will be over. I was thinking of performing on a cruise for 6 months because I would be 1. Performing 2. Saving money strictly for loans because the other expenses would be taken care of 3. Not having to make excuses for not hanging with people When you say, hey I cant chill, I'm trying to get debt free I would assume it sounds strange 4. Lots of reading because what else do you do with all that downtime on a boat?.2 years and I'd be completely debt free. And then a part of me thinks I'm running away because that would be an easy choice. I'm just beginning to connect to people in La so why would I go away? I'm running from the inevitable beast of building a career. Maybe I know it will take years to do and so it overwhelms me and I'm procrastinating. It's like homework... ugh how dreadful when your career turns into homework. But like homework, the dread is worse than the actual task.

Spoke with a girlfriend on the phone tonight in Texas. When I tell her about acting it sounds cool to myself as the words are coming out of my mouth, why do I seek more? Maybe part of it is I am constantly surrounded by actors. I need to better adjust to my environment and celebrate instead of compete with everyone. I don't feel special or interesting for being an actor. That used to happen to me once in a while, now its strange if you aren't some kind of artist type. But, that's also the beauty of it- a city full of passion and dreams. I'm rambling, yes I realize, but in my defense its 2 am and everyone is sleeping... sheesh.

I don't wish it was easier, I actually really believe hard work brings out the best in us, so I remind myself of that. I was talking to my friend Allie the other day who is a dancer and as she approaches 30, she wants to transition out of it into event planning, another friend from music to communications and other from dance to hair styling. It feels that they are slowly dropping off. I wonder if that's inevitable? If I will mistake my passion for a "phase" and justify the easier road. It tempts me as I get older. A family and the money to live comfortably with them would be nice...  What do you really want Christina? Ugh. Too much! That's my problem, I want too much from life