My own lies

You know, it's weird feeling so many things so strongly in one day. This life path is so darn confusing! AHHHH!!!! That's what I did today in my car, yelled and screamed and threw a fit!!! Ugh! I give myself such a hard time. I had to re-defer my loans another six months because I'm obviously not rolling in the dough and there is a very strong and passionate part of myself that feels I need to get a real job, pay off my debts before I continue to pursue this career.

THEN, I had this amazing and enlightening conversation about politics today and I think I want to be in politics, that I would love being in DC and making real things happen, to walk around with a briefcase and rally people, to touch the most passionate parts of them.

THEN I watch a talk show and all I can think of is the last one I hosted and how I want to have my own show again.To talk about fun things, book guests and wear watches and heels and curl my hair

 And THEN I drive past downtown LA at night. What am I doing? shouldn't I be somewhere by now? Maybe I should take a hint and develop a real career. No! Not this path again. Hey! I gave up EVERYTHING of my old life. All my friends and family and everything that was familiar; I took a huge risk to come to this vicious city where everyone is more than happy to trample all over each other to get what they want. I've booked a few gigs, I'm moving forward and most important, I'm still here. With every hollywood success, the same road was rarely taken. The one common denominator of the wildly successful is time. I just have to be in this city long enough and keep going and something will catch. I just have to deal with my emotions in the meantime... ugh! Why?! Why am I so passionate? Why can't I just sell out? What am I afraid of? ...

Side note: Dinner theatre went well tonight. There are some nights when I walk in and with everyone talking success talk, it just makes me feel inferior and I get down. Tonight however, I was on and I did well and the audience complimented me as they walked out and I laughed a lot and I seemed to glow in spite of myself. You know what I mean! Those rare moments when you look great, say all the right things, compliment people and make instant friends. I mean, let's be honest. The moment when you can see in the eyes of others admiration, that they want to be your friend. But, it may just be all a show, a grand illusion and when the curtain falls, everything is the same again and you are left with an empty glow or what we call a memory, a recollection of smiles and words and the clink of glasses followed by a gasp. And the combination of it all will resonate in your brain someday as "the good old days". I try so hard to make those days now, to make myself believe that life is just how it should be because there is no other option, right? Then why am I dissapointed with where I am? Mostly, I can fake it and convince myself this is what I really want, that I'm on a journey and tomorrow will be better ... and then there are the days when I don't have the energy to convince myself of my own lies.