The Breakdown

I don't know if I should even write this entry, but I decided o be honest with myself about what's real. I decided not not feed the illusion of a perfect flawless success story and market my life as everyone else is in the habit of doing: only presenting the positive parts and omitting all the negative. After all, perception is reality right? (Esp with all this social networking) But, I decided that I'd rather be real than a cool kid.

 So, every once in a while, I will get so overwhelmed with my goals vs. where I am currently at in life and it deeply frustrates me to the point where I will have what I label as a "breakdown," which is basically a crying session, where I let myself vent everything that I'm feeling, selfish, honest, hurt thoughts about life. I got off work from the restaurant today after it was incredibly slow and I walked out the door with twenty-one dollars. Yep. Ugh. I'm 25! I'm better than this! I have a college education! I was Valedictorian! I had my own talk show, directed and produced many works!!! What have I become? why do I feel like such a loser? Ugh. The money/ time battle. Wasn't I supposed to be better at this? Wasn't I supposed to conquer the world and do great things? and here I waste my time earning just twenty one dollars for the day?! Do I really have what it takes? I can't afford to live like this forever! It's getting old budgeting so strictly and never being able to buy stuff! I'm trying and failing! AGGGHHHHH!!!!

Well, that's the essence of it. And then I ended up in a heap on the floor sobbing deeply, my tears dropping onto the carpet. When am I going to grow up? When is everything gonna work out? Maybe I should sell out like all my other actor friends and do the 9 to 5 until I'm so depressed I jump off a cliff? Okay, sorry trying not to keep this too morbid. And then I water the front yard and do my laundry and I feel this immense release and I feel so much more free. I allow myself to have "a day off" from the career, make room for my shortcomings. Then the next day I feel unusually motivated.

The cool thing is that I am looking at starting my own business through this company, Arbonne. When it goes well, I will have a flexible schedule and money to compensate my career and pay these nagging loans! I am praying with everything in me that this works out, so I can get my life and myself back! It's time for a big change anyway. I'm restless for an answer. I think God has heard my prayers and wailing after all... I start my first party in two days and I'm beyond stoked for a new opportunity!