I think I have this love/ hate relationship with improv, most likely because I am just starting out haha.. I do like that I'm learning and challenging myself. However, I feel every time I walk into class, I mentally prepare myself to be scrutinized, to be picked at. And I think it's hindering me from freely improving and thus taking the fun out of it... I need a safe place to make mistakes and I'm even afraid to venture out because I know my thoughts aren't complete or as "UCB stamped" as they should be. This is so vague, sorry. We ran our show last night and it wasn't where I wanted to be at this point. I wanted to be more proficient, to have mastered establishing a game and that hasn't happened. I'm taking a break to do an on-camera class because I just need to let the improv marinate and honestly, I'd rather do scripts. It's what I know. It's what I'm good at. I look at how unique all these lady comedians are and I look like all miss america ingenue, not a funny comedian. I know that's beside the point, but let's get real for a second. This is la, where you are cast the first 10 seconds you are in the room. So maybe it is wisdom to be aware how I'm percieved, especially with what I want to do. We'll see. I'm a female artist and therefore it's my prerogative to change my mind.
I'm listening to more classical music lately and I think it is actually increasing my artistic tendencies. I find myself craving it as I'm driving around this city with everyone else and their mom. The beauty, the mastery of it all, its inspiring. So, all those tests about Mozart being good for your brain are probably true.
I went to IKEA for the first time today (I know... Don't give me that look) and it was quite an experience. The master of furniture stores because they use the ultimate marketing tool- story telling. They create this desirable world and convince you, "hey, this would be a nice place to live." I just have respect for working artists, people that can make a living off designing, who can find their niche and just hit a home run- economically speaking... I was happy for them, yet jealous. Not because I want to design. Home decor overwhelms me after a while. I am just getting that feeling that all young people get. I want to find my place in the world. I know the things I am good at, I just need to find a place where my talents are appreciated and therefore a place I can excel. And yes, I am aware I've chosen quite the journey ...haha.
We watched our show as we always do after class and then went next door for drinks. I am at the place where I enjoy watching the show and hanging out after more than the actual class... There's probably something off there.
It also probably sin't helping that I cant perform in the graduation show at the end. No official "test" and as a student at heart, that bothers me somehow.
I'm reading Virginia Woolf's A Room of Ones Own and its very interesting. I sympathize with her dialogue on all the warring that goes on inside an artist when she wants to express herself, but finds road blocks, particularly financial ones... anyway, this spoke to me:
" For masterpieces are not single and solitary births; they are the outcome of many years of thinking in common, of thinking by the body of the people, so that the experience of the mass is behind the single voice"
I have experienced a handful of great works of art, numerous workshops and rehearsals where moments have changed me. However, the one time I truly felt I wrote a masterpiece (or at least a masterpiece for what it was) was my speech to my college graduating class because it was exactly that. An experience by a whole so perfectly expressed by a single voice... and that is why they laugh, cheer and applaud, because it is specific to them. Their story. I hope someday to write or create a real masterpiece or one on a larger level.
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